Why is he unavailable?

Because he can be

Do you really think that if a life choice, whether it was on an unconscious or conscious level, meant that he wouldn't get women, don't you think he would change? The beauty of the the unavailable man is that there is always a long line of women who are more than willing to accomodate him. He's likely to be attractive, a little more edgy but not a bad boy, and he gives a hint of his great potential which is what keeps the ladies interested. Put aside the unavailable aspect, and on paper he probably has a number of great qualities. Unfortunately available men don't garner the same respect from women, even though they'd cause us less headache.

Timing

Mr Unavailable’s often have an ex that they say they don’t ever want to be with again lurking in the background. She can be his child’s mother, the woman he used to share a home with (they still share a home together because they are trying to sell it or one of them is looking for a new place bla, bla, bla), or he just isn’t ready for a relationship. He mentions time an awful lot and says crap like ‘If only things were different, I would go out with you.” Next time a guy says this to you ask him, "Well what the hell are you doing wasting my time?"

He’s seeking unattainable perfection

He’s always dating, never in a relationship. Something always goes wrong and no doubt it will go wrong with you too. I know a guy who breaks up almost three months to the day with every woman. He insists it’s accidental. It isn’t. This is caused by the dating version of ADD (attention deficit disorder). The guy will home in on you because you’re gorgeous, ambitious, or whatever other qualities that draw him, then pursue you....and then distance himself from you. This will feel like what we often refer to as ‘running hot and cold’.

He’s got the sex

Guys that lose interest as soon as they ‘hit it’ are out there aplenty and one of the mistakes that we make as women is thinking that following our lust will give us positive results in terms of hooking him in. Unfortunately great sex does not always a relationship make. This is a little bit of the perfection issue and also conflicting instincts. On one hand he wants you to be rampant and have sex, and on the other hand, he wants this perfect little wifey that has almost virginal qualities. The conflict makes him unavailable automatically to women that in his eyes, make it easy for him.

He’s Messed Up

For whatever reason, on a conscious or subconscious level, this guy has issues about relationships that prevent him from committing until he damn well feels good and ready. It could be a bad break up, childhood, bad experiences, but whatever it is generates an air of distrust. An unavailable man that doesn’t want to change will not display any genuine efforts to change. An unavailable man that wants to change because you make him want to change of his own accord, will speak up, admit his issue and become available. It’s all about being the right woman though and whilst I’m glad we all realise how fabulous we are, we often make the mistake of thinking that we are the right woman and that we can change him. We often eventually give in, and a few months later we hear he’s getting married to the woman he met after us. Timing. He stops being messed up when it suits him and not a minute sooner.

We must learn when to give in and withdraw. We have a habit of devoting far too much energy. Learn how to cut your losses. It’s not admitting defeat – It’s realising that you’re better than this.

Your thoughts?

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Comments

[Leena]

I loved reading your blog!!! I was looking for any info regarding "the emtoinally unavailable man" and came accross your site!
loved it :)

[Kizzie3]

I am sitting in my apartment crying my eyes out. I have always dated unavailable men. ALWAYS...And I don't know how to stop it. I feel defeated. I am 39 years old. No kids, no serious relationships, no best or close friends (except for my 3 cats - spinsterish). I am so afraid of being alone that I put up with far too much. I give and give and give and what I receive in return is not even close...AND I KNOW IT..I AM AWARE OF THIS..BUT I CAN't STOP!!
I am not good at "giving in and withdrawing".

I do understand how my childhood of severe, emotional, sexual and physical abuse has an impact on my desisions...but it doesn't help me...I still make those desision that kill my soul...

I am currently seeing somone who is addicted to cocaine, alcohol, marijuanna and porn sex....he has a girlfriend that gets away with much more than I did but he still wants to see me. I met someone else 6 months ago but he only wanted to have sex with me and recently dumped me...I can go on and on. The sad thing is that I am so afraid to be alone and of rejection - the thought of it destroys me. I spend 90% of my time alone and I crave every bit of time I can get from a man..but I always feel awful the next day.

I signed onto the internet to see if I can find any information (I am seeing a therapist but can't afford more than once a month). I found this site...upon beginning to read it I broke down!!! It is my life on paper...I am crying uncontrollable as I read this...3 months dating hiatus seems like a lifetime to me...yet, I understand the need for it. Telling my addict that I can't see him anymore will hurt me more than it will hurt him....I know he will say "ok"..but I don't want to stop seeing you..I will struggle with keeping my word...

I am not sure how this site works but I will try to take this break...I am miserable but there has to be a better way...Thoughts of "not being here anymore" are in my head way too often and I HAVE TO BELIEVE THAT I DON'T HAVE TO FEEL LIKE THIS...THAT IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE THIS WAY......

Thank you for this site and for all the advice contained in it. I will post some of the information on my fridge and keep a copy with me (if that's ok).

People tell me that I am gorgeous...but I have the lowest self-esteem and self-confidence of anyone I know. And, when I look in the mirror, I don't see what they see...I think its all a big lie..I feel inadequate...this addiction to love/to whoever I am seeing is affecting all areas of my life...I NEED IT TO STOP..IT CONSUMES ME!!!!

I would love to hear from others..

I AM SOOO SCARED OF BEING ALONE ALL THE TIME!!!

[mediatrix]

hi --

If you hear he's married the next woman, don't assume this means he's stopped being messed up. More likely, he's gone on to a long-play version of his unavailable behaviour. Unavailables marry for reasons of their own -- they're not immune to social pressure and feeling out of step with their peers and friends.

They are probably deep-down bone-lonely , just like Miss Commitment-Phobes, and sometimes fantasize that they want a relationship and even kids. They think getting married will fix them. stop them from being messed up, which they are beginning to suspect they are.

But only resolving to change will fix them, and most don't do this. They just get more and more miserable in the marriage, make life hell for their spouses, and eventually divorce, possibly after many affairs.

The single Mr. Unavailable, and there are many of them, isn't necessarily cheating or involved with another woman. He doesn't need to do this until he makes a pro forma commitment. Then he starts cheating to maintain emotional distance from the committed partner.

A single Mr. Unavailable doesn't call you or return your calls because he's playing power games -- chase me harder! It's not necessarily a sign there's another woman. You are probably competing with yourself -- the version he was originally attracted to,
before he made you insecure and miserable. T

Stay away and don't regret the ones who marry someone else -- she's now unhappy, instead of you.

[Trish]

Kizzie3, don't feel bad! I have felt that way too. I am 48 years old and I keep getting involved with Mr. Unavailables as well. But I am determined that I do not want to spend the rest of the life I have left unhappy or in emotional turmoil because of a Mr. Unavailable. From reading this I believe I am a Ms. Committment Phobe and I too feel doomed. I too was emotionally and sexually abused as a child. Then I was betrayed by my mother, because when I told her about what was going on, she told me I was lying and didn't want to see her happy. Imagine laying something like that on a 6 year old! There is hope! Even though I have continuously been getting involved with Mr. Unavailables, I do rcognize them and quickly get out; with the exception of this last one, and I had all kinds of excuses from not leaving that one sooner, one of them being I had known this person since high school and I actually thought that he would not hurt me. But what I learned was that it does not matter how long you know a guy, you still dont know them until and unless you get up close and personal. If he is a jerk or a Mr. Unavailable, he will still be one. Another sign to look out for, is when the guy immediately starts crying on your shoulder about the exes that were selfish and didnt appreciate him or mistreated him. Remember there are always 2 sides to every story. So hang in there, dont start thinking of doing away with yourself, use the past experiences with these jerks as a roadmap to not fall in with another one, when you meet one and there will be more trust me. They look for women like us. As someone stated elsewhere on the blog, we are the holes that their prongs fit into. Just arm yourself with the knowledge from your past and brush right past them. Hang in there, what does not kill us makes us stronger and hopefully smarter.

[Nancy]

I am so glad this site is out there, because at least I feel like there are other people going through what I am. I'm 37 and single, no kids, and I had a long relationship, through my 20s, with a man who lived with me but was so emotionally unavailable it was like living alone most of the time. I broke up with him, eventually, because he wouldn't commit, and then I felt such relief that I didn't have to live with him anymore that I went into a series of (obviously) pointless relationships with men who were MUCH MORE clearly unavailable. I've gotten better, and now I seem to at least choose men who are nicer, who try harder, who seem like kind people, but they are still the unavailable sort. I feel like I have some kind of banner on my forehead that says -- if you can't get close to a woman, chase me! -- but what is it? This most recent one was only a few weeks, really, and as soon as I saw the signs -- hot and cold behavior, lots of talk about his ex-, fear of calling it a 'relationship' -- I told him he was wasting my time and I needed to beg off. I felt smart, powerful, righteous, even! But it doesn't change the fact that now I'm alone again, and even if that wasn't going to be a good thing, I don't know I'll EVER find a good thing, because all I seem to attract are the ones who don't actually want a relationship. Yes, I can turn away men when I see they're like this, but the question is how can I learn how to attract men who AREN'T like this?

[Bek]

I like the line, "It’s not admitting defeat – It’s realising that you’re better than this." Bravo! And you know what? I am realizing earlier and earlier when I am throwing the pearl that is me before swine. I can honestly say now that I would rather be alone than be with the wrong man, which is amazing considering that I have a long history of settling for men that I didn't really respect or who I knew didn't really love me just so that I could experience some semblance of being cherished. Thanks to some soul searching, a couple of extraordinary counseling sessions, and this website, I will no longer settle. And this makes me happy! I like waking up in the morning with self-respect...

[huntress]

why is it i attract men who were sexually abused? what is it in my personality that draws them to me?

I have wasted my best years trying too figure out what their problems stem from- why they are the way they are...
the 1st one - it took me 5 years to find out his step father abused him sexually.
then i spent another 5 years trying to fix him.
To only meet another one, spend a year with him ...to discover he has a sexual relationship with his mother.
Then...she died when he was 18.

I was never sexually abused...why do i attract these guys?

[Kizzie3]

Hi its me Kizzie,

First of all, thank you to everyone who wrote to with a similar situation. It helped me significantly.

My addict is no longer my problem. He is still in my life however he is no longer using. He has a gf and although he would like more, we only have a friendship.

First forward I am now 41 and still single..I am however seeing another emotionally unavaliable man.

I met him on Plenty of Fish and although we seem to get along great, his profile is still on line and I just found another site that he is on.

I've been seeing him for 1 month and he has never taken me out on a date. Todnight is suppose to be our first official date.
Usually I go to his house and we eat, have some wine, fool around and go to sleep and in the morning I go home. He will then call me the next night ad I will go over. I spend most of the weekend with him but he usually sends me home to have the day to himself and only calls me to come over in the evening.

I have tried twice to end things with him but he always talks me back into seeing him.

He told me that he really likes me, that I mean alot to him and feels that I am his soulmate but honestly, I'm not sure that he knows what the word means. English is not his first language so we sometimes have communication barriers.

We are very different. He is a metal head and I am more rootsy-organic. For some reason I dont think I am his type. Usually guys are proud to show their girls off. I hve grown very fond of his looks and I now find him irrestible.

I don't want to continue in a relationship that may not be going anywhere. He is encouraging me to tell my parents about him but he is not doing anything that makes me feel like he is really really into me. I feel like I am simple filling in empty space for him.

When we first met he would call me all the time and would tell me how much he misses me. Now, I call more. I will deal with this though because I am going to follow the "No Contact Rule" from here forward.

So, that said, at this point I just want to know but I am afraid of asking him if the relationship is going anywhere.

I tried before and he said that he just wanted to be friend. I kissed him on the cheek and left. After that he called me every night, left me cute text messages because he wanted me to stay in his life...

I am now older and I don't break down like I used to about failed relationships but. I need to know what is going on. If its no..then I will cry and then move on. I just need to know. I am Soooooooooooo afraid to ask.

Is it fair to ask "where the relationship is going" after 1 month or should I just let it go until he tells me. HE told me that when things change he will let me know. I feel like he has all the power.

In my heart, I want out. I don't think it is going anywhere. By the way I am 41 and he is 34.

What would you do? Kiz