That Nagging Voice

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People who have bad love habits often have a nagging voice in the back of their mind that they choose to ignore. Call it Good Cop/Bad Cop, Good Angel/Bad Angel or the Voice of Reason, Insecurity or just your gut - whatever guise this voice takes, you're not listening to it. Now this can be your gut talking or the insecure person, so why do we choose to ignore it?

Like people who choose to ignore the obvious signs that their relationship is crashing and burning, tuning out this frequency of information buys you more time to live the dream and expend more futile energy.

If it's your gut talking it's likely to be logic. Trust me, we know when things aren't right. We feel it in the pit of our stomachs, we're not anywhere near as happy as we pretend to be and there's this bloody voice chiming in sarcastic comments or harsh realities. Like me last year as I bade farewell to a Mr Unavailable after a night spent together 'I'll speak to you in the week' he said smiling. 'OK' I said, but in my mind, what I actually said was 'No you f*cking won't - I'll be lucky if I hear from you in the next two weeks!'

On the flipside though, if we have bad love habits, even when it is good, the voice that can speak up is the voice of insecurity. If you're used to receiving crumbs and somebody is offering you a full meal at the table of love, dessert and all, it can be pretty scary for the uninitiated. As someone who is in a bonafide relationship with a man that she loves and who loves her back and is totally emotionally available, there is a part of me that I need to nurture a bit because I am trained to be messed around by men. I am used to not having to put myself out there in the full sense of a relationship from when I used to be a secret Miss Commitment-Phobe and now that I'm over that, I'm adjusting to the fact that there is this great guy who totally wants to be with me and I'm happy. What's the fricking catch?

The catch is that we actually need to know which voice to listen to. My gut voice chimes in after the insecurity one casts a few doubts and says 'Listen here missy, get a frigging grip! Don't judge a guy on the chumps you've been with before. Got it?'

How to change this? Listen to the voices and assimilate which one is actually giving you the right information. The gut has the potential to guide you - pay attention to how you really feel, how you're really acting and keep both feet very firmly in reality. If you've been shutting out a voice regularly, listen to it and examine the information. If the voice is telling you that he's an asshole because he did XYZ but you keep kicking it to the kerb and rationalising it, start listening. If the voice is telling you that you're not that great a person and surely he's gonna find a flaw in you and run off and be with someone else, kick that one to the kerb and make a conscious effort to find personal happiness and be secure with yourself.

That nagging voice is there for a reason and either way you need to do something about it because only then can you shed the desire for Mr Unavailable's and find real love with the type of man you truly deserve. I've found that a voice of reason is there to balance things out and remind me of where I've been, where I am, and where I'm headed for - it can be there for you too if you start listening to and trusting the real you.

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Comments

[Helen]

It occurred to me when reading this earlier, that it all comes back to being happier and more trusting in yourself. And if you trust in yourself it will be that much easier to discern trustworthy available men. Ignoring any of your inner voices is ignoring the inner core of you.

[Maria]

Yes, the more you put up with whatever crumbs men feed you the worst the experience and the more fragile the relationship. I have learned to listen to my inner voice and it turns out I am correct.
I am sure I have saved myself from critical heartaches. But I have ignored them too and then have felt sorry for it!
You know, the usual, "I knew it from the beginning". That is it! But still I went for it because I did not want to feel lonely. (I happened to think God is always with me so I am not ever alone). So I prefer to walk contempt with my own dignity, out the door knowing that Yes, I am treating myself better than unavailable/selfish men would ever!