Mr Unavailable - A guide to avoiding emotionally, physically and spiritually unavailable men

When It's You Not Him

*** Thanks for visiting my blog. If you would like to find out more information on emotional unavailability, please go to Baggage Reclaim where the Mr Unavailable Guide has now moved to.***

For a dedicated guide to emotional unavailability check out my ebook Mr Unavailable and The Fallback Girl

I always say that you are the only recurring character in your sitcom called life which means that when you find yourself in same scene different guy; instead of berating yourself for 'stumbling' across yet another guy that treats you badly and doesn't appreciate you for what you are, you should be taking a very close look at yourself. It is easy to get sucked into a Blame Men mentality. Lord knows they do enough irritating and shitty things to keep this blog ticking over forever more, but real change, real progress, real relationships, real happiness and real love can only come about through changes to your own behaviour and attitudes.

This is hard to hear for a lot of women but it's a fact. We have absolutely no control over men’s behaviour or anyone's for that matter, because if we did, we'd have a very different life. The only person who we have any true accountability and responsibility for, plus the ability to change, is ourselves. We cannot expect the white knight to ride in on his horse and rescue us from shit relationship choices so that we can automatically feel right within ourselves and live happily ever after. Even when the white knight comes blazing in on his big horse, a lot of us don't even know good men or good love when we see it as we are programmed to think that it comes in a package of drama and insecurity.

If you find yourself repeatedly frustrated at your relationship choices, it's no accident - you made them. These men don't just find you accidentally - there is something in your behaviour and attitude which accommodates them.

It's not just about when we are in the relationship, it's about when you are single, it's in the approach and it's about the tone you set.

Learn from another woman's experience of a Mr Unavailable

*** Thanks for visiting my blog. If you would like to find out more information on emotional unavailability, please go to Baggage Reclaim where the Mr Unavailable Guide has now moved to.***

For a dedicated guide to emotional unavailability check out my ebook Mr Unavailable and The Fallback Girl

My story starts in the summer of 2004. I was 34 and was fresh out of a horribly deceitful eight year marriage. I was reeling with hate, anger and most of all, confusion about the word "love". I met Jason at my place of work. We started having lunch dates which then turned into weekend trips. Things heated up quickly and the next thing I knew, I found myself stuck in the web of Mr Unavailable.

In all honesty, he pursued me but I gladly accepted. I probably wasn't in the best place to get into a relationship but sometimes we don't always have a choice over timing. We spent alot of time together and I found myself thinking that this really could be something. A month and a half later he accepted a job offer across the country. When he accepted, I was upset as I knew this may make the progression of the relationship difficult. I had the tough job of recovering from my marriage and losing Jason. Suddenly, I found myself in a long distance relationship.

What followed in the 23 months may sound fabulous to some, but believe me, if it doesn't come with any emotional value, its worthless. For the first 6 months living across the country from each other (still getting to know one another), he flew me out every chance he could. I took frequent long weekends. Usually this meant flying in to NYC on a Fri evening and flying back to the west coast on Monday. It was exhausting but worth it to me. In the two years we were together, if you added up all the time we spent in the same room, it probably was about 6 months. He flew out to see me, we took trips to Las Vegas, Los Angeles and even Amsterdam.

I felt myself falling for him but there was one thing missing. He NEVER told me how he felt about me. When pressed, he squirmed like a little child trying to get out of eating his peas for dinner. After several months, I told him I loved him. *Silence*. Nothing in return. When his job opportunity fell through, I started to press him about his plans. He took up poker playing for a living which meant he could live pretty much anywhere he wanted. He spent days on end in Atlantic City. I would always get a phone call from him every night if not twice a day. He was loyal in many ways but very uncommitted emotionally. 

As I was slowly healing from my disastrous marriage, I found myself pressuring him even more. Many times I would ask "what are we doing? What is it that you want from me"? I can't explain it but this guy was a master at avoiding questions regarding our relationship. Sometimes he would get down right angry at me and make me feel like the biggest nag in the world. He made me feel horrible about myself. He often was critical of me. He hated that I drank diet coke and thought I wore too much make-up. I am a very self confident, independent, strong woman but like the woman I never thought I was, I took this criticism many times over. Why? Because I thought it was worth it to wait him out, to see if he would change.

Why be emotionally unavailable and why want someone who is emotionally unavailable?

*** Thanks for visiting my blog. If you would like to find out more information on emotional unavailability, please go to Baggage Reclaim where the Mr Unavailable Guide has now moved to.***

For a dedicated guide to emotional unavailability check out my ebook Mr Unavailable and The Fallback Girl

The reason why women love emotionally unavailable men is because it's what they know. Why change the habit of a lifetime if you don't even recognise it as not being good for you because you've never experienced something different? It's difficult to pull yourself out of this scenario when there is something oddly comforting because it's strangely familiar.

Men and women in this scenario are behaving in their respective ways because they have both been trained. The guy has it entrenched in him to go it alone, keep a distance, not be vulnerable, and probably has no clue how to actually put his emotions out there. Women that love emotionally unavailable men have it entrenched in them to chase the attention of a man who just isn't 'there' whether it's on an emotional or physical sense or both. With both men and women who fall into this vicious cycle, it stems from a fear of loving and a fear of losing love.