Learn from another woman's experience of a Mr Unavailable

My story starts in the summer of 2004. I was 34 and was fresh out of a horribly deceitful eight year marriage. I was reeling with hate, anger and most of all, confusion about the word "love". I met Jason at my place of work. We started having lunch dates which then turned into weekend trips. Things heated up quickly and the next thing I knew, I found myself stuck in the web of Mr Unavailable.

In all honesty, he pursued me but I gladly accepted. I probably wasn't in the best place to get into a relationship but sometimes we don't always have a choice over timing. We spent alot of time together and I found myself thinking that this really could be something. A month and a half later he accepted a job offer across the country. When he accepted, I was upset as I knew this may make the progression of the relationship difficult. I had the tough job of recovering from my marriage and losing Jason. Suddenly, I found myself in a long distance relationship.

What followed in the 23 months may sound fabulous to some, but believe me, if it doesn't come with any emotional value, its worthless. For the first 6 months living across the country from each other (still getting to know one another), he flew me out every chance he could. I took frequent long weekends. Usually this meant flying in to NYC on a Fri evening and flying back to the west coast on Monday. It was exhausting but worth it to me. In the two years we were together, if you added up all the time we spent in the same room, it probably was about 6 months. He flew out to see me, we took trips to Las Vegas, Los Angeles and even Amsterdam.

I felt myself falling for him but there was one thing missing. He NEVER told me how he felt about me. When pressed, he squirmed like a little child trying to get out of eating his peas for dinner. After several months, I told him I loved him. *Silence*. Nothing in return. When his job opportunity fell through, I started to press him about his plans. He took up poker playing for a living which meant he could live pretty much anywhere he wanted. He spent days on end in Atlantic City. I would always get a phone call from him every night if not twice a day. He was loyal in many ways but very uncommitted emotionally. 

As I was slowly healing from my disastrous marriage, I found myself pressuring him even more. Many times I would ask "what are we doing? What is it that you want from me"? I can't explain it but this guy was a master at avoiding questions regarding our relationship. Sometimes he would get down right angry at me and make me feel like the biggest nag in the world. He made me feel horrible about myself. He often was critical of me. He hated that I drank diet coke and thought I wore too much make-up. I am a very self confident, independent, strong woman but like the woman I never thought I was, I took this criticism many times over. Why? Because I thought it was worth it to wait him out, to see if he would change.

He was generous financially, but I wanted more. I once told him "you know sweetie, I would give up all these fancy trips, dinners and shopping trips for one thing" He said "really? What?".... yeah, he knew what I was talking about.

There were many times he asked me to move to his side of the country. For some reason he didn't understand why I wouldn't do it even though I said countless times that I would never rearrange my life for someone that didn't know if he loved me or not. We would frequently get into arguments over this. He could really make me feel bad and question myself.

After our trip to the Netherlands, I felt closer than ever to him. I felt that maybe he was beginning to see *me* and fall in love with me. The trip was wonderful, we traveled well and really enjoyed each other. A week after our return I started to talk about us. To this day Ill never forget what he said. He said, "I don't know why I am not in love with you". I know, by this time you are all thinking, RUN! RUN FOR THE HILLS! This statement was like shoving a knife through my heart. I was wrought with pain for weeks. I talked to all my friends, some of which begged me to leave him.

Finally, I wrote a break up letter. After a weekend together, I gave him the letter as I boarded the plane. I cried all the way home. The very next day, he called me as if nothing had happened. I was so upset, I let it go and we never broke up much less discussed the letter. I knew I was in a horrible cycle.

After 20 months of no commitment, just regular phone calls, lots of traveling together and a few "I miss you's" out of his mouth, I was beginning to pull away. I found myself detaching. I was too weak to break up but rather decided to "fall out of love" and still enjoy the jet setting. One late night after returning from an evening out with my friends, I called him. I had a few drinks and was feeling a bit edgy. After a few minutes, I interrupted him and asked him "Do you care about me?" He said "Yes, very much"... than I said "Do you love me?" after a long pause, he said "I don't know"...

I think this was the last and final moment that drained me of my self esteem. I cried myself to sleep that night. I couldn't take anymore. I started to pull away drastically and even cut down my communication with him. We had a few trips to Las Vegas and remember the last one we had together. We were sitting in a restaurant and I said "well, its been almost two years now, do you want to keep doing long distance?" "how do you feel about us?" .... He rolled his eyes, shifted in his seat and said "do we have to talk about this now?"

By this time, I was losing everything I felt about him. Still being a weak person, I didn't tell him to take a hike. There was always something in the back of my mind that made me think "what if, what IF he changes?". Well, here is where the story gets real interesting. Girls, listen carefully at what followed.

Shortly after our last trip, I met someone here in my city. I wasn't looking for anybody but rather this gentleman came out of left field. Blam on the side of the head! Isn't that how they say it happens? Well, apparently, I was left open emotionally to potentionally meeting someone. After only knowing this person for a couple of weeks, the difference was like black and white. I knew this person had what it took to be emotionally available. Even the way he looked at me was nothing like Jason did. My heart knew. It just knew.

I took a weekend off from talking to Jason. I decided to do some thinking and decide what *I* wanted for the first time in years. Jason called so many times over the weekend that he ran my cell phone battery down. For the first time, Jason wasn't in control, suddenly, I wasn't there when he needed me. Jason went into complete panic mode. When I finally talked to him Sunday afternoon, I told him that we were done and that I had met someone. 

He cried and begged for three days. He was an emotional trainwreck. He said after not talking to me for a weekend, he realized how much he loved me and that he when his house sold, he was moving to my city. Wow, this was all news to me. He called me at work, sent me endless text messages and (drum roll please) flew out on a red eye, booked a hotel room up the street from my work and stayed for several days. Ladies, this is called "you don't know what you have until its gone" syndrome! The man was in crisis. He said ALL the things I wanted to hear from him in two years within a 4 day period.

I was distraught for days, but my heart had made up its mind. I no longer wanted to be hurt and in a one sided relationship. I felt I owed it to myself to get out of this unhealthy situation and give someone else a chance. I finally called him at the hotel and begged him to go home. I told him it wasn't doing any of us any good to have him staying up the street. I made a deal with him. I said "I will come and see you, if you promise you will book a flight home tomorrow". He agreed. I saw him briefly that night. He no longer looked the way I thought he did. He was a pathetic, ball of mess. A desperate man losing what he always thought would be there.

It is now officially over between us. Do I hurt? I do. Did he finally realize that he did love me? Maybe. But my heart had left him awhile back and I had decided to give this new guy a chance. Since then, things have been going well. The new guy in my life has given me more emotional substance in 6 weeks than Jason did in two years. It's quite tragic when you think about it. I find myself feeling somewhat responsible for this broken man I have left behind. I know I shouldn't because he put himself there. He had plenty of opportunities to do what it took to give something back.

If this story sounds familiar to you in anyway, please think about your situation. Is it worth it? Will he change? What are you waiting for? Don't you deserve more? I know I do.

My new eBook Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl is now available to buy as an instant download. Find out more.

Comments

[Vixen]

Whoa---this story struck me on so many levels. 23 months? Yikes, that's so long to be unsure of whether or not you love someone. Kudos to you for realizing that you deserved better and going for it. I hope the new guy is still raking in those brownie points.

[Alissa]

I only hope that I can find the strength that you have ... perhaps it's finally finding or allowing myself to find a person who is available? Or better still find me and like being with me?

[Amy]

Thank you for sharing your story.
You may never know just how much you have helped other women through this same thing.

You have just helped me tremendously as i sit here reading this and thinkiing 'oh my god...this is ME!"

god bless you and good luck with the guy you deserve!

[Christina]

Sounds like my story with a scumbag who was married and full of lies

[Heather]

what's going to happen if things don't work out between you and this new guy? will you run back to Jason? do you think this is a healthy way to deal with your unsatisfying relationship with Jason? do you think this is fair to the new guy, that he is your emotional reservoir? is it fair to you, to be so dependent on someone else to get out of a bad situation?

[claudia]

Congratulations! You've taken a huge step in your life and I'm sure you're so full of love that the new guy is not going to get what's left, but the real you.
Move on! and let that poor soul find his own way...away from you.

[Brandi]

You're awesome!! Good for you!

[Anastasia]

OOOOOHHH!!! mah god gurrrl!!! big round of applause to you babae I am soo proud of you that your out of that I mean I totally feel for you I know I only read your article but I FEEL your pain like that must have been sooo tragic!! :( I mean I can't even explain mah feelings thats so intense awww I am jus sitting here cryin man jus readin that aww like I mean thats me too! like its only been 6 months of that for me kinda its a long story but hey like it made me think like I know I don't deserve that as well and well actually a while ago I planned it but in the new year here immma dump my emotionally unavailable guy too like this is his last chance (christmas) and if he looses then he misses out big time and I will give another guy that I know a chance and he is emotionally available and very sweet but yah anyways thanx for the help I appreciate it if you want you can email me hun holla back if yah want anyways peace out thanx for the story and help

[Celine]

Thank you for sharing your relationship story. WEll done for managing to leave your unemotional partner. I can understand exactly where you are coming from - my unavailable partner moved away and kept moving away, going on holidays with his friends and having every excuse not to see me. I took a break from him after 7 years as I thought it would do us good, then he started persuing me again and I thought he'd changed - had he? No. It starts off with loads of promises for the future (which I stupidly believed again) only to find out during the time we were apart he had his whole life mapped out with other people in his life! I stayed with him for one more year then decided I'd had enough of being alone in a relationship. The total time I spent with him was 11 years (on and off). Such a waste of my life - please don't anyone do the same.
Good luck to all those who find the strength and love within themselves to get out fast - these people do not change BELIEVE ME!

[luna]

very painful being trapped in something like that... nice being able to get out and seeing reality...dangerous needing that emotional stuff and finding it in someone, if he takes it away what is going to be left? romantic relationships are crazy, we are suppossed to be whole on our own, but we are not. They say is unhealthy to want to find wholeness with another human being but... if you are whole by yourself what the heck for you would want another one?

[izzy]

WOW. I wish I had found this site two years ago. My story is so similar, and although the relationship is just over a month dead, I'm starting to figure out why it didn't work. I was so lonely and frustrated, and couldn't figure out why. Now I know. He was emotionally unavailable. Thank you for sharing.

[irish]

All I can say is WOW!!! thats me, only I live with him and it is almost 4years now. It is really sad, if you think about it. I am more alone with him than without him. I don't know why I stay, I was never in a relationship like this before. I guess I always believed he would change. Now I know.
Thanks

[Tiffany]

This is EXACTLY WHAT I have been going through for 3 years. I am detaching myself and trying to move on without the sudden break. it is killing me. but i don't want to rebound. and I worry about that. I also cant take another relationship like this one..

[Charlys_Angel]

I have been in a very similar situation. I plucked up the courage to end a 13year relationship which was devastating but I did it. Foolishly I then started a relationship with an old friend who is attached & I cant seem to end it with him despite 4years of uncertainty, emotional blackmail and unhappiness. My self esteem & self confidence is shot to pieces & I feel so weak.

[KK]

Thank you so much for your story. Mine is 18 months, and it is this past weekend that he did the last and final disrespectful act that made me detach and close off my heart to him and his continuous acts of being mean, discourteous, detached, nonchalant, etc. I too have been hoping he would change...Since mine is fresh I am hoping I keep the courage and let this pain remind me of how much more I deserve and why! Thank you again so much!

[l^à]

thank you so much for all this. it is like getting sober again, I ended my relationship just this morning. called in sick to mourn my loss and now, by the end of the day and after reading all this. I know the sky will be blue again

[kp]

I just ended a 3 year relationship with an unavailable man. It is amazing how hard it has been to finally end it due to the fact that every time I tied to break up with him, he would tell me all the things I've been wanting to hear, but they always turned out to be empty promises and lies. I tried so hard to be what he needed only to find out down the road, I still was doing something wrong in his eyes which he turned into reasons he couldn't fully love me. It was terrible to be with someone, wanting them to love you, but always feeling like they really don't, and something is very wrong. I finally ended up in my shrinks office, crying and asking for serious help on how to get out of this relationship. She explained to me that this kind of guy likes to keep things a 5 on a scale of 1 to 10. If I push for a 10 (full relationship) he will distance himself from me, and if I break up with him a (1) he will then tell me the things I've wanted to hear to get me back, but no matter what, this person only has the potential of a 5. A relationship of a 5 is really painful, self demeaning, and just plain miserable. The hard part was the thought of being along terrified me. I am finally at the point where I am able to stand on my own 2 feet these days, and I am filling my life with lots of things to keep busy. Do I still get sad some times, sure, but finally, those sad times don't send me back to him - calling and crying on the phone wanting more from him. Good luck to anyone out there in this type of relationship. It has been the hardest thing to get myself out of, and I learning everything I can about myself to heal and never get in one of these relationships again.

[Wendy]

Oh my God. I am in a relationship like this. He was my house mate and then we got together. I remember thinking when we weren't together how aloof he seemed and even with his daughter. We got together and in the beginning he seemed warm. He was working away, so we only spoke over the phone. When he moved back, he became distant. I became increasingly needy and crying all the time just to get some feelings out of him. At first he seemed willing to talk and then as each discussion went on, he became irritated with me. I started to get this fear of talking to him about how I felt. Now I just pretend I am fine and don't share anything with him anymore. I go to AA (nearly 7 years) and have been crying my eyes out at every meeting. The programm asks that we look first at ourselves and not at the other person and learn to accept people as they are. I have tried this and while I can accept my partner for who he is, it does not make it any easiery to live with. I have felt sick for nearly 6 weeks through fear that he will leave me. And I hate the person I have become. I am worried that I won't meet anyone else. I want to leave but am too afraid because he may change with time.