When It's You Not Him

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I always say that you are the only recurring character in your sitcom called life which means that when you find yourself in same scene different guy; instead of berating yourself for 'stumbling' across yet another guy that treats you badly and doesn't appreciate you for what you are, you should be taking a very close look at yourself. It is easy to get sucked into a Blame Men mentality. Lord knows they do enough irritating and shitty things to keep this blog ticking over forever more, but real change, real progress, real relationships, real happiness and real love can only come about through changes to your own behaviour and attitudes.

This is hard to hear for a lot of women but it's a fact. We have absolutely no control over men’s behaviour or anyone's for that matter, because if we did, we'd have a very different life. The only person who we have any true accountability and responsibility for, plus the ability to change, is ourselves. We cannot expect the white knight to ride in on his horse and rescue us from shit relationship choices so that we can automatically feel right within ourselves and live happily ever after. Even when the white knight comes blazing in on his big horse, a lot of us don't even know good men or good love when we see it as we are programmed to think that it comes in a package of drama and insecurity.

If you find yourself repeatedly frustrated at your relationship choices, it's no accident - you made them. These men don't just find you accidentally - there is something in your behaviour and attitude which accommodates them.

It's not just about when we are in the relationship, it's about when you are single, it's in the approach and it's about the tone you set.

For us to make real change that will lead to personal happiness on our own and also within a relationship, we must have healthier relationships with ourselves and healthier attitudes towards men and relationships. It's not easy because a lot of this is so drummed into us, it's second nature, but you have to want it badly enough and pursue it with gusto.

Yes there are a lot of messages that we pick up and learn from our family, from the media and from society in general that only serve to add to the growing snowball of insecurity, but there comes a point when you have to get real with yourself and acknowledge the unhappiness that subscribing to this bullshit causes.

Men do not complete you. You complete yourself. As long as you're waiting for someone to come along and make it all better, you can only end up 1) disappointed even when you do meet him and 2) frustrated with your existence until you do meet him.

Let go of the notion that it's better to be in a relationship than none at all. Stop accepting poor relationships because the alternative seems scarier. If you're wondering why the happiness is evading you it's because you're not even placing yourself in a situation to receive it.

Stop placing the responsibility on the man to change and make things different in the relationship. Acknowledge when things are wrong, acknowledge when you can't do anything further to fix it and acknowledge your part in things. Always ask yourself 'Is there anything I could be doing differently here?’;’ What is my part in this?’

What is your contribution into the relationship? It's very easy for us to big up ourselves and act the martyr, but think about the things that you say and do which let him know in no uncertain terms that he doesn't actually have to be different because he knows that you're insecure enough to stay with him regardless.

Stay away from men that already have a woman. Married men, attached men only get to play around because there is always someone dumb enough to accommodate their behaviour. They know they can get away with a lot once they start a relationship with The Other Woman because she is still there.

Be happy to be on your own. Feeling like the world will come to an end when you're single and not enjoying your life until you're part of a twosome is a guarantee for heartache, disillusionment and insecurity. You can't make good relationship choices out of happiness and desperation.

Stop listening to lies and excuses and start listening to your gut. Stop listening to the insecurity and start listening to your common sense.

Don't punish the decent guys because you made bad choices in the past. It is one of the biggest difficulties for the genuinely nice guy in that he spends a lot of his time in the relationship, 'fixing' you after your experiences. He has to work double time because you don't trust men because you're used to going with Bad Boys and Mr Unavailables. Know a good thing when you have it and trust in it rather than project your insecurities on him.

Use your judgement. Just like using your gut, it's about time we started to exercise judgement and learn from experiences. This doesn't mean you stop trusting anyone; it means you open your eyes, read the signs and access the situation. When you are in a good relationship, judge his actions based on him, not on every other chump you went out with.

Be good to yourself. I can't stress this enough. If you can't treat yourself well and love yourself, why would you expect a guy to?

My new eBook Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl is now available to buy as an instant download. Find out more.

Comments

[Carolynn]

Great post. I think it is very empowering for women to realize whether they are getting into, currently in, or recovering from an attachment to an unavailable man, that...

they have a choice about it!

And how they use that choice will determine emotional consequences in their lives. Do you want to feel insecure & horrible pain? Or do you want to feel content and at peace with yourself and life?

Then choose your relationships and actions accordingly... ;)

[Helen]

Really good post - you are indeed the one thing you can change in terms of your relationship choices.

I will send the link to several of my friends too!

[NML]

Carolyn - Here here! You have hit the nail on the head. It is about how you want to feel and the choices. I found I didn't like the uncertainty and the headache that my love choices brought so I decided to either be on my own or make better choices. Life was suddenly easier.
Helen - Thanks Helen. It's so easy for us to look to everyone else to solve our problems or just to be responsible for our pain, but it's us. Thanks for the support x

[Christina]

We do have a choice and it begins with us and how we feel about us and what we deserve.

[Timothy]

I feel the need to note that this type of individual knows no gender. I am currently going through this situation with a woman to whom I have been married to for three years. I saw the signs or "red flags" early on in the relationship, but I made the decision to move forward. With much hesitation, I asked her to marry me, and under the unique circumstances (she was european and her work visa was running out) we moved ahead quickly. I fell more in love, or maybe more in denial, and she became even more unavailable. Over time she became very distant, angery, pretty much avoiding sex altogether, no emotions, no "I love you's" and absolutely no communication - avoidance of our relationship "issues" was common place when I tried to get her to talk about them. She started lying about men from her work with whom she was having daily lunch get togethers, multiple phone calls per day with men who were "friends." When I asked her about these people, she would accuse me of being in her business. I realized I was becoming the person I never wanted to become: jealous, due to a lack of self esteem, and mistrust because of her actions, her "secretiveness." Over time I started to "check out" of the relationship - I was in a state of flux. I have let this go on to this day, but, at the same time, I have finally realized my pattern. Over the last 12 years, I have had at least 4 relationships with women who were emotionally unavailable, this being the last. I have finally become clear of my own issues with this pattern, and have told her I want to get seperated, that my emotional needs have not been met since day 1, my bottom line has been crossed, and I deserve better than this. I think she has finally realized in her own mind that she is this type of person. I hope our seperating will give her time to be by herself, learn to love herself, figure things out, and possibly, make changes in her life so she can be emotionally available. There's no doubt that we have been dancing to and fro in this type of situation, enabling one another, but the dance must stop now so we can both grow and love, either together or apart. Whatever the case, the sterotypical emotionally available man, must no longer be gender specific. Humans can be emotionally unavailable, not just genders.

[Chloe]

This post resonated with me greatly. I walked away from an 8-month "relationship" in September after the guy pushed me away for the second time with his "disappearing acts." He also threatened to hang up on me a couple of times during phone calls if I started discussing my feelings about disagreements we were having. It was humiliating.

My work in therapy indicates that my insecurities and need for "drama" stem from my upbringing with an emotionally unavailable father. But this last 8-month interaction was really the first time I started recognizing these issues clearly while I was inside the relationship. It was a revelation, to say the least!

I'm currently dating two men, both of whom are the complete opposite of the 8-month guy. I'm going slowly with both; I like both. They are attentive, kind, complimentary, and respectful. I hit a breakthrough in therapy when I told my therapist that I was not going into "meltdown" mode with either one of these men and I felt more calm with them than I had with any men I'd ever dated. This might be the first time in my life I'm walking through relationships with men that are healthy and meeting my needs.

Note to Timothy, above: Good luck on the path you choose, and thank you for your candidness in relating your story. I agree that it's not a gender issue. These journeys we are on to discover ourselves and improve ourselves and our relationships occur for ALL of us.

[Mitsy]

I think the original article is good but it sounds on par with many articles I've read before about self-esteem, dating and the need to be in a relationship. I don't think most people consciously pick people who are unavailable. In reality, most believe (at least in the beginning) that we are interested in fairly well-adjusted individuals who have no more or no less baggage than anyone else. Sadly, the deeper you look into the package, the more clear it becomes that the person is not who they say they are nor do they present the person you saw in their dating profile or in the first few weeks or months of dating. The longer you believe how great they are, the worse it is to find out later that they lied about some things, are not what they claim to be, or simply do not want a long-term relationship. Women (and men) are sold a bill of goods daily when it comes to relationships that tank at some point. It is a crapshoot that any of them ever work out. Online dating has given me more dating options, but I continually meet men who have severe baggage issues or an ex that never quite seems to go away.

I agree it's important to find out why we feel the way we do, but self-esteem is also made worse by men who play games with us. As noted the one poster had a woman who was like this. Unfortunately, I see more men than women who are players. I'm to the point where being alone and lonely might be preferable to more heartache and disappointment.

[Diane]

This website has been incredibly helpful in guiding me through a recent breakup. A guy that had broken up with me tried to reconnect - stupidly I went back - he wanted me for sex at his convenience.

I know I have to take responsbility for getting hooked - no more emotionally unavailable men for me.

[Renee]

Men and more and more women, have become desensitized by pain. We are reluctant to share our feelings and become vulnerable due to fear of rejection. Sometimes, when we do share our feelings, the insignificant other chooses thier own "control tactics" by either blowing up or shutting down, further increasing the distance between the two. I am a 43 year old woman, who comes from a dysfunctional family, who never learned self esteem from my family or the men I was involved with. I am in a relationshiop now with a wonderful man who is intelligent,kind,faithful and dependable. He has been hurt in his childhood by his mother and it fractured him emotionally. So, he spends most of his time watching tv,playing video games and reading. All solo activities that he subconsciously chooses to busy his mind and assure no communication at all. When I tell him, I am not getting enough sex, affection,attention or companionship in the relationship, he beats his forehead and goes into a fit, no doubt to control the situation so that the communication ends. I have decided to busy myself with things I enjoy...and let time take it's own path. I feel I must emotionally disconnect with him in order to find any happiness. I am lonely not just when he is gone, but when he is here too. Is there anyhope for us? We celebrate our second anniversary in 2 weeks.

[Gina]

You know, I really agree with Mitsy. I think it is too damaging to start labeling oneself as being attached to unavailable men. I agree with Mitsy: the problem is declining values. We all need to find a way to be honest to our would-be partners; we need to be able to say what our needs are, and we need to stand up for what we believe is right for ourselves. Blaming ourselves for continually finding bad partners is seductive, but the real issue is not that you find unavailable men, but that when you do, you don't let them go. To blame ourselves when all we did was open our heart when someone insists on being dishonest about who they are seems like blaming the victim to me. Obviously, it is a learning curve. It takes some of us longer than others to realize that we have a dog on our hands be it male or female. If you STAY with someone who treats you badly, that is when you need to take a look at yourself.