Love Clinic: Improve Your Judgment Skills

In the quest to shake your love of emotionally unavailable men, you'll be faced with the question of how good your judgment is in the first place. It's understandable why you will experience this feeling - Discovering that you expend a lot of wasted energy on men that are unavailable and very unlikely to change is a shocking realisation. Realising that you have listened too much, ignored your gut, your intuition, and every other sign possible that this guy was throwing you crumbs is devastating. Wondering how you will ever trust yourself or a guy ever again is not unusual feeling.

We can't give up on love because of willing choices that we have made. Of course we get bruised, hurt and question how much we can trust, but as I said in an article on Baggage Reclaim a few months ago, If we give up on love, we give up on ourselves. Instead we need to love and trust ourselves more and exercise judgment.

Meeting Guys

• When you do meet a guy for the first time, pay attention to his behaviour.
• Is all of his attention focused on you?
• Is he being too forward? Too intense?
• Does he answer questions directly?
• Does he seem nervous when his mobile phone rings?
• How does he give you his details? Is he very specific about when you can call? If he is, this can be a very early indicator of an unavailable man that may be spreading his attention thinly or just reticent about letting you in.
• Does he mention a recent break-up or an ever present ex? Back away right now!

Dating

• You need to be looking for consistent behaviour. A common characteristic of emotionally unavailable men is that they blow hot and cold. They run very hot when in pursuit and once it starts to feel like they are in some sort of relationship or routine, they start to blow cold and luke warm.
• Does he call when he says he'll call?
• Do you only see him at weekends or during the week? Be very wary of routine guys that seem to squeeze you in around their hectic schedule and can only see you on a specific day of the week.
• Does he call late or come around late? Always be wary of any man who seems to behave like a modern day dating vampire.

• Ask lots of questions. If you didn't find it out in the first meeting, you must find out on the second one. The moment he mentions a girlfriend, wife, 'partner', ex that he's living with, ex that he is still heavily in contact with, you should be walking away. No excuses.
• Don't forget to use Signs That He's Emotionally Unavailable. Print it out and if you're getting any ticks it's time to say goodbye.
• Listen to how he talks about the future. He doesn't have to be talking about years down the line, but emotionally unavailable men are cautious of even talking about plans for the next day!

When it comes to dating and relationships in the future for you, it is best to stop accommodating all of the excuses that you're used to and start being harder with guys. It's called tough love and it is the only way to protect yourself from emotionally investing in relationships that are a complete and utter waste of your time.

Do keep listening to your gut.

Keep a diary of how you are feeling and what you are experiencing with a guy - It's a great way to sanity check your decision to date the guy. Clinical I know, but remember that you've had a consistent habit of dating emotionally unavailable men. Remember to be brutally honest in the diary.

Under no circumstances should you sleep with him on the first few dates – sex clouds judgment.

If alcohol gives you beer goggles and a willing ear, cut right back on drinking for dates.

Sanity check your guy with a friend. Choose one who has often said that the guys you date are wasting your time. Don't choose a friend that has rubbish judgment skills herself.

My new eBook Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl is now available to buy as an instant download. Find out more.

Comments

[Helen]

Thanks so much for this - I've already started doing the diary thing and it helped me bin one off already. Fingers crossed I can keep going...

[lisa]

thanks thats valuable info. im just new to the realisation ive been doing this unavailable men stuff for almost 15 years now. this is my path to healing. good luck to us all. this really does have to stop and enough is enough !!!!

[NML]

Helen - That's great news! I have my fingers crossed. Rememeber to focus on how you feel.
Lisa - 15 years is a long time and I wish you luck on your journey. Trust me when I say that you can do it and things will change now that you want them to.

[teri]

This was so helpful. I had very emotionally unavailable parents. Thus, I've been in FOUR horrible emotionally unavailable marriages. I want it to STOP! I'm happier with myself. And the way to do it is walk away from the FIRE! Every one the same. And I have one wandering aimlessly and has no time for me NOW! I'm going to walk away.

[Christina]

Info. is great just got done reading a book called " Ditch that Jerk" and a wonderful site to help women make healthy choices!

[teri]

Problem is, what do you do when they always borrow money and you're stupid enough to LET THEM! Always so in love with you at first, talk abour our future together, etc., then whammo!!!!

[Kym]

Hi Ladies, Kym here, wow I'm in the same situation as many of you with my latest guy. He mentioned an ex not long after we met, he never phones at night, only ever from work. He wont contact me for days on end then resurface like nothing ever happened. He runs hot and cold yet pursude me in beginning. He gets angry with me often if I tell him he's upset me, he's never given me his home number or address (it's been 6 mths). Told me his girlfriends never work out he doesn't trust women, blah, blah, blah. Bet your all thinking " how could she be so blind " Sadly I saw the signs and accepted the crumbs he threw me because I didnt' care for myself. Just came out of a 13 yr relationship and felt awful about myself, and still do. I'm attractive and nice guys like me often but I only wanted the as I call them " challenge"
Fell for the guy I had to work to earn his love and approval. Also they were usually men that needed changing or my enless understanding. Being in these relationship is like
entering a competition but forgetting to look at the crappy prize you end up with. Anyway thanks to reading all your comments and advice, I'm going to do my best to work on myself and become more emotionally available to me. Start to pursue myself for awhile. Its only in doing this will
I, or any of you ladies out there be able to change our ingrained behaviour. A book I'm reading at the moment has been an inspiration it's called " Are you the one for me" Author is Barbara DE Angelis. I think everyone should read it!!

Goodluck ladies we are all in this together!!!!

[Kate]

Kym, my goodness - I loved your comment about "entering a competition but forgetting to look at the crappy prize you end up with". You hit the nail on the head.

Ladies, we need to "keep our eyes on the prize". Here are the questions: "What do I hope to gain from this relationship? What is HE offering ME? Is this WHAT I WANT? Am I better to look elsewhere?"

Ughhh. Why are we settling for so much less than we deserve? My jaw keeps dropping everytime I read another entry - we've all been in the same boat. So let's make a pact to all jump ship and swim to shore - where there are emotionally AVAILABLE men with whom we will have HEALTHY relationships.

I recently ended (yes, finally got the gumption, nerve...whatever you want to call it...) a nearly 2 year relationship with Mr. Unavailable. It was truly tearing me up inside - I was crying, having trouble breathing, loss of appetite, etc. Did he care? Ha. Our last conversation, he blew up at me. Then he decided to text message me to "apologize", saying he's just very "stressed". Whatever. That gives you the right to treat me like crap? Let me answer that one, Ladies. The answer is NO. He has NO RIGHT. No one has that right.

Remember former First Lady Eleanor Roosevelt's famous quote? "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." We need to wise up and stop consenting. I think it will get easier, the more we do it. We are worth SO MUCH MORE than the crappy behavior we have been putting up with.

Taking advice from a friend of mine that I need to "get back out there", I have 2 different dates lined up for this weekend with 2 new guys. (One good reason for doing this is you aren't too available too soon for a guy who suddenly wants all of your time. Make him work for it.) You can bet I'll be mentally running down the unavailable checklist with each one. Dating is like a series of job interviews...we shouldn't be hiring a guy on the spot to be our boyfriend, husband, etc. until he shows that he has a good proven track record. He needs to prove what he's going to do for us, and it needs to be what WE'RE looking for.

That's my long-winded 2 cents. I know it's hard going through all this crap. It can be lonely. It's important to hear those 3 little words, but you don't need to hear them half-heartedly from a creep. If you can't tell yourself, I'll tell you: You are special...and...I love you. :) Mr. Wonderful is out there waiting, so start preparing to meet him.

[lisbe]

Wow, I am so happy I found this blog! I am a 47 yo woman living in the States, and I have had nothing but emotionally unavailable men as long as I can remember. It seems the more unavailable they were, the harder I tried to make the relationship work.

I just met someone who is my "dream man" in every respect except one: he, too, is emotionally unavailable. After losing my cool a bit, he went on a trip to Europe and while he has been gone I have been doing some work on myself, now I see that I have to end it or offer a "just friends" (meaning for me, no sex) relationship so that I don't get hurt yet again.

I have come to realize that the imprints left partially in my childhood and with my first marriage have led me to be secretly afraid of a commitment, therefore I keep hooking up with these guys who can never offer me what I really want, stability and real love.

Well, it's a shame, in every other way he is a keeper, except of course for this one very crucial point. I'm meeting someone new tonight, so we'll see if he falls in the same category. I'm still learning, I'm glad to hear that some of you who are much younger are getting past this so you can save yourselves years of the heartache of trying to make the wrong relationship work.