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When you're The O
ther Woman, it will often feel like incredible highs and lows, and at some point, you should and probably will become sick of being in the situation and want to end it with the guy. Like any break up though, breaking up is hard to do unless something so awful happens that it galvanises you. There are a hell of a lot of women in this situation that are readers of this site, and the most common issue is how the hell can they move on? Here I hope that I can help to put any woman who is in this situation on the road to healthier happiness. But first, think about this point first?
Is this a half hearted cry for attention from him which you hope will force his hand into making the decision to be with you? If so, be careful as this is probably still unlikely to happen and if it means you end up staying with him, you're wasting your own time. Otherise....
1. Be firm and strong.
Be resolute about your decision and immovable. If you really do want to break up with him and you are sick of the situation, he shouldn't be able to wheedle his way around you. One of the strengths of the guy in this relationship is that he has the power to get around you. This time he can't.
2. Make it about YOU, not HIM.
If you put the focus of the break up on him, he can make excuses that he means at the time but probably don't hold up after the event and he'll make promises that he means at the time but is also unlikely to keep. Yes, you are breaking up because he can't give you what you need, want and deserve, however, you're also breaking up with him because YOU are better than this.
3. Remind yourself that he is throwing you the crumbs of his time and his emotions.
Yes you may be conditioned to think that the crumbs are enough for you, but the reality is that a healthy relationship with a man that is only with you and puts you at the centre of his life, feels far different to the flimsy 'relationship' that you're in now.
4. Think of the woman he's with, the woman that you view as the person who is robbing you of the opportunity to be with your guy as a human being with feelings and strengths and weaknesses just like you. Put yourself in her shoes and ask yourself how you would feel if you were her in the same situation. Whatever story he has told you about why he's with both of you, the cold hard truth is that he CHOOSES to be with HER.
5. Is this how you saw a healthy, happy relationship? Do you still want to be doing this in 3, 6, 9, 12 months or even in years?
6. Remember that occasions like birthdays, Christmas, New Years won't have to be spent waiting for his call or snatching a moment together.
7. Go cold turkey.
If you can afford it, go away for a few days or a week to somewhere nice or go and stay with friends and family. Turn off your phone and let the important people know where you are so that you don't worry. There should be absolutely no contact.
8. Stop being where he expects you to be and break whatever routine you have.
When I speak to women in involved with attached men, whether they realise it or not, they are almost always in a tight routine. After all, keeping things in a tight routine is how he stops himself from getting caught out and fits you into his schedule. You must break the routine. Put it on voicemail or turn off your voicemail but don't pick up calls. Be out when he calls. Instead of being in watching TV with your feet up waiting for his call, be out. Be busy. If you think you'll be tempted to be swayed, change your mobile phone or block his email address.
9. Tell somebody that you trust.
You'd be surprised at how many women act in secrecy which actually further plays into the man's hands as you are totally at the mercy of whatever he is telling you. A confidante gives you a sanity check but also gives you a rock of support. Choose someone you trust and who can be supportive but tell you that it's time to quit.
10. Steer clear of dating till you are ready to date. This also protects you from knee jerking into another situation that you may not recognise as being unsuitable due to craving some sort of emotional replacement - there is no progress in ditching a married man for an emotionally unavailable man. There is also no point in dating if it's a way of passing time in the hope of filling in the gap until the married guy potentially becomes available. The only time you should date is when you are truly ready to move on and the married guy doesn't figure any longer.
11. Remember that you need time to grieve and heal. There is no quick fix and you don't feel better immediately. In fact, you're likely to feel like sh*t in the short-term. You must give it time though. Weather the storm, cold turkey it out and let out the tears and frustration but don't give in. Your 'relationship' is over.
12. See a counsellor or therapist. If you have been in relationships that have a habit of wearing down your self esteem, if you want to understand your relationship patterns, if you feel you need a little extra help or if you feel very low, this is the ideal way of helping you to heal, understand and move on.
13. Address other areas of your life that have suffered whilst you were with the attached guy. No matter what you think, something or someone, or both suffered whilst you focused your energies on your situation. If you let work slide or put off career decisions, prioritise it. If you have neglected friends or family, build bridges. If you have neglected yourself, spend time on you. You have to put the focus back to you if you are truly intent on succeeding. It's because it's been all about him why you lasted so long with him in the first place.
14. Yes I'm sure there were happy times, but you need to remember how you REALLY felt when you were with him. Look back at your diary, think back to specifics and there are probably a lot of times when you were lonely, disappointed, insecure, sidelined, teary, clingy, frustrated, angry, too dependent, listless and much more. Put both feet in reality and get real about who you have really been. If you were that happy, you wouldn't be reading this and you wouldn't be breaking up. You wouldn't even want more.
15. Read the stories of women who have played your role of The Other Woman and realise that your situation is not unique, most of the stories of why these men cheat are the same, most of the time it ends in tears, and you, The Other Woman will always play second fiddle as long as you put yourself in this role.
My new eBook Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl is now available to buy as an instant download. Find out more.
Excellent article!!! So right on the money!! Why, WHY, do we women do this? We believe the lies... and indeed: it is ALL about HIM!!!
NEVER AGAIN!!! LOL!!! And even if you DO finally end up with the guy... who is to say he isn't doing the same thing to you?
Posted by: rene W. | 17/01/2007 at 02:51 PM
I'm in this sitution now! And I'm leaving this lying jerk who has been married for 18 yrs. and I am not being fooled anymore!
Posted by: Christina | 30/01/2007 at 03:33 PM
From a guy's perspective (which is to explain it, not to endorse it), men do this because it's a demonstration of power, which inflates their self-esteem. Can I have two women? Wow, I can -- I must be truly masculine. Never mind the lies, the strain, or the scars. It's part of human beings' larger tendency to want to control others, especially when they cannot control themselves.
Posted by: InRussetShadows | 11/03/2007 at 12:21 PM
Hello. I am reading this site because I just broke it off with an emotionally unavailable guy I was with for almost 5 years.... ahhhh.. that seems like so long. but the issue with him was that he was Indian, Hindu and well i believe he is in an assisted or arranged marriage now (1 year strong or weak depending on how one views it) and he came on so strong but put it out there that he coudln't really be my one although he wanted to be... i believed it. so then a year ago he told me we are done... then 3 months later he contacted me to see me. i didn't. but i did give in once and i was devastated because he only referred to his relationship as his "deal, his situation"... and i believed how unhappy he was. and i belived how he wanted to see me. then recently he came to me saying he wanted to "make time for me". i honestly thought he dumpe the other one but then he was rambling on about how it was better to email him and call him at certain times. and then he started calling me late at night. I was alone but still there could be chance that I wasn't and then he wanted to see me and was on his way to my apt and I told him NO. i will not see him if he is coming to see me at 1 am (not a good idea anyway for women to do that)and then rush back to the other person. I was furious!! MY thing is that I know in this post they speak of the man CHOOSING to be with the other woman but don't you think it is because he lacks respect for her and she makes it easy for him to go out and be a dog? I mean what woman can't pick up that you man is cheating on you? I can. Anyway, that is my big thing. Emotionally Unavaiable men are like that 24/7. They just get some chick to marry them. I dont' think it means they are fully committed. Am I right?? Thank you.
Posted by: Tina | 05/04/2007 at 08:42 PM
I am glad I went to this website. I having been messing with this married man for four years this month and its time for me to move on. No more lies or games. As much as it hurts, I can still let him go. These rules above can really help me out. Its not worth messing with a married man, there is no good outcome!!!
Posted by: LaToya | 08/06/2007 at 12:50 AM
At what moment did we let our guard down and start to believe that we should be second to anyone. We deserve to be treated better than this, waiting around for calls or a 10 minute visit. Not to mention I have put myself in her shoes and I would be furious. I had NO business borrowing someone elses man. Shame shame on me. #9 confide in someone you can trust and is a good friend is the most helpful one. I have a very dear, honest and loyal friend who literally on a daily basis reminds me I deserve better.. He is not worth it, and you do deserve better...
Posted by: Jill | 23/06/2007 at 03:07 PM
Hello, I also messed around a few times with a married man. We didn't actually have sex which I found very frustrating but what infuriated me more is how he would tap my shoulder in public, as if to give me a little sign and then go and play pool with the wife! I knew I would never mess with him again but it didn't stop him from chasing me for 16 months. I think he enjoyed the challenge of it I guess. I still didn't give in and ended up moving across the country for a fresh start. It has been 8 months now and no contact at all and even with the move, new job, new friends he's still on my mind 24/7. I thought moving would cure everything and can't believe he's still on my mind so much!
The funny thing is we sort of knew each other for about a year before he came onto me big time and from the beginning I thought he was nice but when I discovered he was married just didn't look at him again. I can't remember much about him until that moment he unexpectedly kissed me.
I wish there was a magic pill to turn the feelings off. When it all began I could feel myself go down this tunnel and it's very difficult to come out of it and keep yourself under control. I've been through a divorce and that was difficult. Being the 'other' woman is a different kind of difficult but I guess the biggest thing is disappointment. That glimmer of hope is what keeps you there, I suppose!
I can see how women might stay in this situation for many years. I empathise with them and hope they somehow find the strength to move on.
Posted by: beth | 03/07/2007 at 08:28 AM
Being with a married man is for a person with very low self esteem. Because he will never leave her and you will always be left out.What a terrible feeling? Get out of that situation because it will destroy your mind.
Posted by: betty collins | 24/07/2007 at 12:26 AM
thank you so much for this I have been trying to leave, my married man for almost 3 years but I was doing it wrong, and he was always able to pull me back in...at this moment he is on a cruise with his family and to keep me happy wants to plan a cruise with me...lies upon lies upon lies I am truly embarrassed to say how long I have been with this man...
Posted by: Diane | 11/08/2007 at 03:39 AM
Wow. I just broke it off with my MM today. We were only together 41 days, and that was enough to show me the light. I am 46, he is 39. I admit, I knew he was married and had only planned on a one night sexual fling - I have been alone for 2 years - and BAM. On our 1st date we knew it was going to be SO much more than a fling. Our mutual feelings blindsided both of us. We saw each other a lot, we fell in love very quickly. But the rollercoaster of waiting for calls, canceled plans, and less and less time together took a huge toll on me, not to mention that I saw him with his wife and family and just about fell apart. That was Thursday; I ended it Sunday morning. I just can't play the OW role. I love him, and if I can't be #1 then I don't want this at all. I am heartbroken, been crying since Friday when I knew I had to end it. I can't eat, can't sleep, it is HORRIBLE but I would rather be in pain now than 10X more pain later on. He won't leave her, he's had a lot of other girlfriends and she's not ever left him. She's found out about everyone except me, because I bowed out. I won't cause another woman pain, I won't put myself through this total agony any more. He is a good man, was always honest about everything, but he is not mine and never will be. I could choose to accept the crumbs of his life, or I could choose to live my own. He respected my decision; the first time I tried to break up with him 2 weeks ago he talked me out of it, but this time I asked him not to contact me and he respected my wishes; said he couldn't stand to cause me pain anymore. Please, all of you, listen to me and MOVE ON. You don't want to end up gulping Xanax like candy the way I have the past few days, I even started smoking again. But I'll be OK now. I can heal, and I can move on, and so can you!!!!
Love to you all.
Posted by: Julianne | 04/09/2007 at 12:37 AM
It just goes to show you are never too old to do stupid things, but we are all capable of correcting what we can, learning from the pain, and whatever. Hell, if he showed up at my doorstep I would probably fling myself into his arms, so I surely do hope he honors my terms of no contact. I'm as weak as anyone. He almost got found out, apparently, which is why I think he took my breaking it off in such a docile manner. But look here, ladies, if the guy is SO worried about being caught, that is red flag #1 that he doesn't want to leave her!!!!
Posted by: Julianne | 04/09/2007 at 12:55 AM
Oh, and in case you weaken, remember how shitty the emotional rollercoaster really is. Getting over someone is way easier than living the soaring highs when he's with you and the crashing lows when you have no contact, can't contact him, and can do nothing but wait and wonder.....
Posted by: Julianne | 04/09/2007 at 01:14 AM
I never in a million years thought I would be in a situation like this... the exception is that I am the other woman..and he is the other man.. We are both married.. I am saddened that I am such a fool.. and now I know what needs to be done..but can't seem to muster the strength.. I get scraps from him..and I now know that I am worth more.. Call me what you want..but I deserve more from both of these men in my life.. (just so you know.. I was married as a teenager and my spouse is not someone I want to be with and is not a nice person)
Posted by: sTUPIDGIRL | 16/09/2007 at 04:31 AM
I just read this site...and all the comments and, it's like reading my own life. I am married and have been involved with a married man for almost 4 years. When we first started, he was separated from his wife and lived in another house. I was ready to leave my husband and start a life with my MM whenever he said the word. But, of course it never happened, one excuse after another...
He bought a condo with his wife last year and moved back in...claimed it was for his kids sake and that he doesn't sleep with his wife at all.
It totally destroyed me that he did that...and the thing is...is that I kept asking him if he was gonna move back in with her, and he never admitted it...until I found out on my own.
And you know what...I've kept right on seeing him, even after he moved back in with his wife and kids.
Talk about stupid but, this is how much this guy has affected me.
I have given up on my own marriage, my husband has found out about the other guy along time ago and wants me OUT of his life as soon as I can stand on my own feet.
Everyone has told me to leave my MM, that he will NEVER leave his wife.
But, I hang in there...for what, I don't know.
I know I need to stop this, but the thought of never having him in my life, never seeing him, or talking to him again... it's just too much.
We were friends way before we became anything else...
I know this all sounds so stupid, but it's the truth....and it's all such a trap...
I constantly think about breaking things off, that I deserve better.
I know eventually I will....but, it's just so hard.
If anyone is out there that is contemplating an affair with a married man, RUN the other way.
It only ends in heartbreak and loneliness..
Posted by: Kathy | 22/09/2007 at 08:09 PM
I've been seeing a married man for the past six months and this article opened my eyes and I feel like I have been in denial for all this time. We had happy moments for sure, but most of the time, I was miserable, I do not want to feel that way anymore, no matter how much I care for him. These past few months spent with him made me lose all confidence and self esteem. The only thing I can say to women in my situation reading this is: Leave him (for good), no matter how hard it is, he will never leave his wife and you will end up so hurt. You are in a toxic relationship, you deserve better and cannot keep doing this to yourself! Good luck!
Posted by: Lizzie | 10/11/2007 at 03:55 PM
Needed to find a site like this to give me strength....everything makes perfect sense, I was sensible enough in that I never wanted him to leave his wife cos once a cheater always a cheater,and he was what I needed at the time, and felt like I was in control of my emotions, just never figured in falling in love with him but I got fed up of all the things everyone has said, broken dates etc etc....but boy does it take some strength to break free. Thankyou for sharing things I couldnt talk to others about x
Posted by: helped and healing!!! (nearly) | 28/11/2007 at 09:20 PM
Thanks for sharing this info. I am also in this kind of situation and trying hardly (with tears and depressions) to break free.
Posted by: Mihaela | 10/01/2008 at 02:55 PM
I was dating a married man for almost four months but I knew him beforehand for quite some time. I am trying to get over the fact that he broke up with me because his wife was beginning to suspect and he was afriad of not seeing his children if she caught him, because of the legal system of our country. What frustrates and angers me is that even while he is breaking up with me he is still saying that he want's me and that he is leaving only for the children. His comments are still on my mind and I am stuck. A day before he left me we were still hanging out together. I confronted him many times about our situation but he never told me that he is not capable of leaving his wife, instead he always said that he does not love her and treats her disrespectfully. I don't know if I have to believe what he said or not...I wish I could turn back time. I only hope that I would get better as I am dying to contact him again...please if you are starting to love him, think twice before your feelings get deeper. goodluck
Posted by: Trying to move on | 18/01/2008 at 04:35 PM
Hi all,
Thank you for your helpful article, I just broke up with this guy a week ago, I´m 31 single, attractive girl, and he´s 63, man. I don´t really know how I got to this point of falling in love with a married man, it is against all the principles and values I learned since a was a child, I think I´m crazy, I lost the sense of reality or something. He´s manipulative, and miser, he has never ever given me a gift or something, we´ve been seing each other since late october 2007, but it´s over, well he thinks I didn´t know that he was married but thanks Google I know everything about him. His wife lives in Tegucigalpa, and he works here in San Salvador, and what I hate most is that his wife is a high class ladym that has everything she desires, while he didn´t give me anything... yes but there´s no way for taking back my time and energies I gave to him, but to stop thinking about that despicable man now.
Posted by: Emilia | 22/01/2008 at 01:52 AM
I was seeing a married man for almost four months. Ater he said a lot of negative things about his wife, one day he came and said that he wanted to end the relationship because his wife was beginning to suspect and he was afraid of losing his children. No, they do not love the other woman! They might love their own family but surely not the other woman! They do not respect their own wives SO how come they will learn to respect the other woman? They only love themselves. With all due respect to married man, you are the worst group...very weak and egoistic! And to all those who are dating a married men...wake up!!!!!!!!!!
Posted by: Trying to move on | 09/02/2008 at 03:46 PM
And the comments are not matching the authors
Posted by: Trying to move on | 09/02/2008 at 03:50 PM
To anyone out there who has had the strength to breakup with a married man, Congrats! I was dating a married man for a little over a year. My situation was slightly different from many that I've read. His wife knew about "us". He was still living with her because they were having trouble selling their house and neither one of them could afford the whole mortgage. They had one child together which was forbidden to come around me because she didnt want the little one to know mommy and daddy werent together. There was no sneaking around but she always manipulated situations like when she knew we had a date she would come home late purposely to ruin things for us. Or accidently lock herself out of the house or car. He always had a certain level of respect for her that I didn't understand and he claims it was because she is the mother of his child. On more than one occasion even though she was well aware that we were together and even though "we were so in love" and even though I'd met his family he chose her over me. After a tormentful year I had to end things. Like all the other women out there I felt like when we were together it was the best feeling on the planet. I thought we were going to be together forever when everything was finalized between them. I thought him and I would move on and start a new chapter in our lives but reality is that he chose her over me more than once. So what if they did sell the house? I didnt believe that "the child" was the reason he'd run home after her when she'd show up crying. It took a lot of strength to make my decision and tell him we had to end it. I was losing too much respect for him because of the dramatic situations he was involving me in and I was becoming very angry towards him to the point where I was treating him badly. He tried to make me feel guilty when I ended it by saying that I was supposed to spend the rest of his life with him. Truth of the matter is that he made a vow to spend the rest of his life with someone else. I've been reading self help books, exercising, and spending more time at work and with family to keep my spirits up and my mind occupied. I've been sad here and there but in my heart I know I made the right decision and even though it may seem unbearable at times I've made it through far worse situations in my life. What doesn't kill you will definitely make you stronger. To anyone who is thinking of breaking up with their married man I will advise you to keep you head up. It will get hard at times and you will feel the same familiar empty feeling you felt when you were with him but life is too short to spend waiting for a man you will never have. There is a big beautiful world out there and you should explore it with someone who appreciates you. Good luck and best wishes.
Posted by: If this is Love... | 30/05/2008 at 12:30 AM
I was in a simular situation with a co-worker. First it started as a friendship which eventually lead to the first kiss. And the Affair began, we were both married. I wasn't happlily married 2 months after our affair began I left my husband. He left his wife, we were both in the mist of getting our legal separations mine was taking some time his was ready to be signed, house was sold everything split than BAM he tells me he has to go back and try to work it out. I was devastated he told me he loved me but had to at least try at his marriage...he didn't actually go back with wife for another 3 months then in June 2006 he tells me she is moving into his apartment. Again devastated. I spent the next 3 months crying myself to sleep everynight wondering what went wrong for us. "We were diffrent, we could make it, we really loved each other..." We still worked together which was very hard, after 3 months he shows up on my doorstep telling me I was the one he loved, that there is nothing left to his marriage, he said they were more like brother and sister....The Affair starts again with a promise that he is leaving and wants to do it right this time. We plan our future, I buy a houes for "us" he has some of the furniture and tells me what not to buy etc....Seven months after he came back and told me he loved me to much to let me go he walked out on me our house and went back to his wife. I asked him why he said he loved his wife and knew that he could make it work he said he loved me and in order for his marriage to work he had to stay away from me. It has been 13 months since he dumped me and we still work together....this is the hardest journey of my life, I have a good job and a mortgage that I have to pay by "myself"...Life will never be the same for me, I feel used I really really believed in him now he flaunts his relationship with his wife they are in the process of building another house....Don't believe your situation is diffrent I don't understand this as no one who knows me or him understands. But my hands are tied and I can do nothing to change things....
Posted by: katie | 27/08/2008 at 03:27 PM
I am so lost and I don't really know what to do. At first I dealt with my MM for kicks. I wanted to see if I can conquer something that had supposedly been conquered then we ended up having sex and feelings are now involved. I can stand the crumbs. The 10 minute visits and fly by night phone calls are so irritating. I don't deserve to be second to anyone. He is married. I really have to continue saying that to myself because if I don't then I might feel like feeding my ego and seeing him. I am going to break it off with him tonight. It must be done.
Posted by: StupidGirl | 02/10/2008 at 01:36 AM
it hurts because you believe this is your soulmate. thank you so much. why do we fall for these men? and why can't we find single men with the traits we find in married me? getting over him does take time and again thank you for making this point.
Posted by: Hurt | 13/10/2008 at 04:23 AM
reading what u've all written has made me confused and depressed....i've been seeing a MM for about 9yrs now....so many promises in the beginning...we have broken up soo many times and he seems to draw me back...he is 52 and i am 45....little angry because i've wasted sooo much time, love and money ....he was to leave his wife when his daughter was 18 (who is not his and doesn't know) ...yup, she had and affair 19yrs ago ..... i think this is why i was drawn to him....but, frankly, who knows if that's true....although she doesn't look like him at all....anyway, i'm babbling in hopes to feel better.... he told me he wasn't staying with the wife and so resently i started to demand in seeing him more and he to spend the nite.... his way of dealing with a situation was to ignore it...so, he went days without calling me....he'd done this before, but i promised myself the next time would hopefully be the last....so, 1 week ago i broke it off with him thru an email....like all of you...the pain is just unbearable....to not talk or see someone u loved sooo much ..... i know this is dead end relationship...but can't help but pray he contact me...and thats my story and what i'm dealing with..... :((
Posted by: chris | 13/10/2008 at 05:24 PM
Girl,please! Look at this experience as an ego high men do it all the time,but remember why you did it in the first place. No more sex and see this person as a man who will choose pleasure over marriage. Have fun!
Posted by: noname | 19/10/2008 at 04:43 PM
I am so glad for this site. I never thought I would find myself in a situation with a MM. I've always thought it wasn't for me. My MM was divorced and two years into our relationship he changed..becoming more unavailable. He still avoids the question "are you back with your wife?" I think they seek out women with low self esteem for one reason or another, establish trust, and appear as "the one" or soulmate. I've been trying to break up with him after confirming his marriage worked out. I just never expected to go thru this emotional roller coaster at this stage of life. I feel like I have to get away for my sanity and emotional health.
Posted by: Country Club Hills | 02/02/2009 at 12:59 AM
i am ashamed to say that I have been with a married man for 2 years. we stated out just talking. then before you knew it it was everyday then seeing him everyday not about sex either, i started helping him keep her thinking he would love me more and never leave me or realize how good i was and just leave. I got the i really want to but I can't leave my kids. i was patient, then i guess he figured that I was getting strong enough to walk away so he made a prank call to a woman who i thought was his wife and told her of me. then he started looking at apartments with me telling me he was leaving and to be patient with him. i found out that was a lie and now he has chosen his wife and she advised me not to call him or see him. you know to keep his family he has not contacted me. he created this mess but he leaves me here to clean it up by myself. so in the end you will be alone just like you are after your late night phone call or 10 minute visit or cancelled plans so move on now.
Posted by: nicole | 12/02/2009 at 06:02 PM
I was seeing a MM for over 10 years. My story sounds so like everyone elses that there is no point sharing similar details. What I will say is that it DOES take a very insecure person with low self-esteem to stay in this situation for as long as I did. I saw what I wanted to see, heard what I wanted to hear and believed what I wanted to believe...no one to blame but myself really. Like others, we have broken up on several occasions with no lasting results. Just after the first of this year, I found several posts on blogs made by him over several months. He was looking for discreet sexual fun with - get this - women, men, t-girls (had to google that one), couples, etc. All the while telling me how special I was, how close we had become and how he thought this was going to be "our year". I broke it off with him 6 weeks ago without telling him what I had found. Then he was kind enough to post that sex with me was "ok" on the internet! He had the nerve to bring jewelry to my house for Valentine's Day. I never contacted him to thank him. When the inevitable e-mail came asking if he had upset me, I responded with a snapshot of the blog posts and told him to leave me alone! Poetic justice. Now all I have left to do is put some pounds back on and pick up the pieces of my shattered heart and ego. Good luck to all of you! Don't give up or give in...
Posted by: hopeless | 26/02/2009 at 02:38 AM
I am a man, hope it OK I comment?
I have known a few beautiful women that have found themselves in this situation and no matter how much you tell them that they are worth a so much more and a decent fully committed healthy relationship, they don't hear you. I find it really sad to see people caught up in this emotional prison yet only time and experience of pain seems to be the only thing that eventually fixes the problem.
The man can even actually leave his wife but still return to the ex for the family fix or to get his washing done - pretty pathetic really.
Yes what about how his wife feels? How would you like it if it was done to you and why is that the sort of man (that would do such a deceiptful thing) that you are attracted to?
To any woman that is still caught up in this situation, be brave girl, think to the future you know that you really deserve and be patient with your new life and the grieving you will experience- thats completely normal be expect things will eventually turn around
These men want it all. They are, in my opinion, selfish and lack the decency and courage that real men offer. They are quite happy to string someone along for years only to eventually go back to their safe haven.
Posted by: john | 27/04/2009 at 02:12 PM
Well I feel better knowing that I am not the only one who has made this foolish mistake. I've been on both ends of this situation and neither feel good. Now I am in the midst of him returning to his safe haven. So needless to say I am a wreck! This is the very reason I'm on this site now!
I do believe he loves me but the point is he's with her and not me. I know I deserve to be number one andI can't believe I stayed with him once he told me he was married. Emotionally we have become close. He was imprisoned for a couple years and I stood by him not intending to but here I am having been there for him and he returned to her. So since he's been out I've only recieved one quick phone call saying we need to talk when I asked when will I see him. I feel so used and I want to tell his wife. Not to get him to return to me but this cycle has to stop! She deserves to know the type of man she married. I will not tell her though. They have 2 children and one toddler who was born later once he was imprisoned and yeah I found that out later too. I'm such a fool but my problem now is that I do t know how I can trust a man again. I m 36 and don't have any children but want to have one and get married again. Ugh! Why me? Well this site helped me momentarily. Ladies leave him now! It's not worth it!
Posted by: C | 12/12/2009 at 11:00 AM
I am 24 and I have been with my 46 yrold married man for 2 yrs.
It's just really a hard emotional rollercoaster. And
My sisuation is harder we also share a 1yrold together, so even
If I walk away I'm connecting to him for life. He tells me he's not
In love with his wife, he doesn't have sex with her he's just there because
Of kids. I know that he loves me but that doesn't keep me warm at night.
We spend a lot of time together and we don't hide when we go out, I know everything
About his life, his wife I've been in his house, vacation,I even met his family.
He yells me everything, he gives me money buys me things he's a great man to me, but at the end of the
Day he's still a married man and I am 2nd and lonely when he's not around, and lookin at
My phone to see if I missed his calls, I feel guily because we do have a 1yrold together and its not
Fair for my son even though he's the best dad to him. But I have to leave because my heartache isn't fun
My tears aren't fun,my wondering isn't fun I'm 24 I don't want to waste my youth
My 20s waiting on a 46yrold married man who haqs lived his life
Posted by: time | 22/12/2009 at 11:19 PM
yep, thinking of breaking up with my MM of 15 years. Every holiday, he spends with his fmily or tells me of what he's doing to fix up "their house". Sick of being on the outside looking in. Want a real relationship where I go out on dates, etc. Just trying to figure out way to tell him "IT's over: for good this time" Help
Posted by: angie | 29/12/2009 at 01:38 AM
Dating a married man for 7 years has, like mentioned before, been a roller coaster. I just broke off with him today and came to realize a few things, I hope it helps: First, if he has promised to leave the wife and hasn't it is because it has NEVER been his intention. He only promises that so that YOU will give him a break. If he had wanted to leave her, he would already have. Sure there were great times, but at the end of the day, you go to bed alone, he doesn't. Girls, remind yourselves of the horrible loneliness and grief you felt when he was celebrating new years eve and you were crying because of course, you were alone. It is a lot worse to supposedly have someone and still be alone. What's the point? he has chosen to be with his wife, meaning she is, at least in his eyes, worth keeping, not you. Be brave, YOU ARE A WONDERFUL WOMAN WHO DESERVES TO BE THE ONE AND ONLY. So, unless you are half a woman, don't settle for half a man.
Posted by: Alexis | 11/08/2010 at 06:05 AM
The married guy is only out for other pussy! All he really wants is sex! All he really wants is the adventure and fun that he craves! therefore...he is only using you as the other woman to just have fun with! the other woman is much more gullible and as long as he thinks he got you..he wont stop! Even if u call it quits, he knows his way around you, just to get you back. It's a cycle and the only person that can let go is the other woman. He will never change, the wife let him do it again...he will do it over and over again with several women. He really just wants the company and thrilling adventure that will make his ego go up. He is never gonna be content with the wife, that's why he does it! He is only out to use you! Be careful, these married men can turn psycho on you..so be prepared to change your number.
Posted by: heartbreakhotel | 01/09/2010 at 09:08 AM
Well i was seeing this married guy only for 4months we were friends first as he was the local caretaker, very charming gift of the gab he is 42 im 28 i knew he was married so really i shouldn't of got involed with him at the time all i wanted was abit of fun and had been single for over two years.
we have only slept together once and that wasn't exactly how i wanted it to be as i felt very cheap afterwards,so after that things changed i found myself getting very emotional over him so i actually moved from where i was living and went to live with my mum as i couldn't handle seeing everyting day as he worked where i lived and he wouldn't speak to me as i told him i deleted his number as i felt very cheap after we had slept together he was treating me very diffrent he said it was becaues he was busy working and couldn't text.
anyway i moved back with my mum to get my head sorted but after two weeks i contacted him again through email and he replied so we started chatting again but didn't arrange to meet up or anything, he then asked me if i had a webcam and yep thats all he wanted he said we couldnt go out places as he was known in the area and alot of people know him so we never even had a social life. all he wanted was cam sex from me and im being honest i did do it but i didn't ever like it it weas the only time i could get close to him or even feel i could see him.
so why am i stil hurting over someone who just wanted me for that he said if i had my own place things could be diffrent as then he could pop around and see me but he wanted me to move near to where he worked so it was easier for him to visit.a
while reading this back i feel such a fool i ended it a week ago today and im going to be honest i have emailed him like 10 times and have wanted him to reply but he doesn't he said if i had ended it again then to leave him alone this time.
and really when i think about it him and i had no good times to veen hold on to i know im better off without him i've been such a fool what hurt is that i thought he really liked me i once asked him if he had feelins for me he said if i didn't i couldn't be the way i'am with you. and he said he had more sexual feelings for me then emotional as he said i would always start going on about how i felt for him and that he couldn't get to know me without there being a problem meaning my feelings for him. if he had wanted to get to know me wouldn't he of wanted to spend time with me and not just want me on a webcam. when i said to him at times i can't take going through this he said well how much longer do you think you can cope with the situation how it is then i said i don't know and he would then say well im glad you can cope for now then.. what a joke i dont veen know what to say anymore.. goodluck everyone xxx
Posted by: kim | 11/09/2010 at 10:49 AM
Hurting bad! Letting go of a 2 year affair is easier said than done! Praying that god is with me every step of the way. I'm tired! Pray for me!
Posted by: tonja | 09/05/2011 at 04:32 AM
I dated a married man 9 month of lies, deceit, and not knowing what to believe. total craziness. He broke up with me now. Since things got so heated with me finding out he truly is married and living with her. So I started going out to see where he was and found him with her dancing and drinking and having romantic time. So hurtful, now he breaks up with me! what a fool I have been not seeing the red flags. I hope I can gain some wisdom and heal.
Posted by: Louise Robbins | 10/06/2011 at 03:47 PM
It's been three years since I've started a relationship with a married man. We both were married to people who are decent, but the emotional detatachment was so evident that we searched elsewhere.
What did I do? After almost a year of seeing him, my then husband found out. I ended up divorcing him and putting our beautiful little kids through some tough changes (we ALWAYS did our best to make the "transition" the best we could for them. . . thank you, collaborative divorce approach.)
Why? Because I was convinced that the man who I was seeing and loved (who am I kidding, still love) would do the same with his situation. Well, it's been two years and still the same promises that have been brought up in almost all the other postings.
So here I am. Trying my best to heal the pain (and guilt) of a divorce and the humiliation and anger (and heart break) of my beleiving that the one who I thought I'd grow old with has lied to me for three years and sat by and not said anything as I filed the divorce papers.
Please know that I take total responsiblity for my actions. I own them. . . ugliness and all. And I am well aware of the pain I've caused others (my ex will not allow me to forget that any time soon) because of my foolishness.
Yesterday, I said goodbye for good to the married man. I'm feeling so weak and still checking my phone every five minutes. I would LOVE to say that this is it... but I have said it several times before (PLEASE avoid ultimatums if you are ever in this situations; it only adds to frustrations and looking like a fool).
I hope and pray that I can be the "brave girl" and heal and move on. It is best for me and, more importantly, it is best for my kids to have a mother who can have the strength to do it.
Thanks for being the audience when I feel so very alone in this fight.
Posted by: Pearl | 24/09/2011 at 11:53 PM