Mr Unavailable and The Fallback Girl Part One Launching and Competition

It gives me great pleasure to announce that this Thursday I will be launching my first ever ebook! I know that it has taken much longer than I anticipated but I have taken the decision to publish the book as an ebook trilogy in order to stop the wait! Thank you to all of you have been patient and the hundreds who registered by email!

What is it about? Mr Unavailable and The Fallback Girl is my guide to emotionally unavailable men and the women that love them. I am empowering women to get smart about their faux relationships with these men and gain real positive change so that they can find personal happiness, which in turn, will lead to better relationship opportunities. Book One focuses on helping you understand who Mr Unavailable is, how he operates, what makes him tick, the types of situations you can find yourself in with him, why he is dangerous, and most importantly, how to spot and avoid him. It also gives an initial background to the Fallback Girl, emotional unavailability in general, and commitment-phobia.

Book Two focuses on YOU and why you have found yourself loving emotionally unavailable men. It explains how you go about engaging with Mr Unavailable, your booby traps, and the different types of women and the relationships that they create. Eg The Other Woman, The Yo Yo Girl, Miss Extreme Makeover Man Edition etc.

Why did I write it? Every month I come across thousands of women who are hungry for knowledge and advice on dealing with these men. Unfortunately most of us who love emotionally unavailable men believe that we are eager for commitment, but unfortunately our lack of self love, low self esteem and penchant for men with the emotional unavailability of a stone means that we are sabotaging any possibility of a truly committed relationship. Each day I get emails and comments from so many women asking for my help and try to help as many as possible through my posts and through direct contact with readers, but a book will put all of the information together in far more depth and help even more people. This book is for every woman who has been put through the wringer of a relationship with an emotionally unavailable assclown! I have been there, done that, worn the t-shirt!

To celebrate the launch of the ebook, I'm offering 15 copies - All you need to do is one of two things: Either email mrunavailablecomp (at) baggagereclaim.co.uk (or you can put it in the comments box) with up to 150 words on how Baggage Reclaim or The Mr Unavailable Guide has helped you

Or Tell me in up to 150 words why you want to stop being involved with emotionally unavailable men. Please include a name (surname not needed), age, and location (city or country)

Thank you to everyone who reads my blogs and who writes in to me looking for advice and insights because you guys and my old bad taste in men made this book! Back on Thursday with details on how to buy the ebook etc! NML x

Comments

[Terry DeLlamas]

I am still pursuing Mr. Unavailable and I am 53 years old! This is important work that you are sharing, I have learned a lot from reading your articles. The problem for me seems to be that I date men that don't meet my minimum requirements, yet they adore me. I end up feeling smoothered and unsatisfied and go off pursuing someone who seems unattainable for one reason or another.

Obviously issues of low self-esteem continue to rear their ugly heads. Self-love and having certain non-negotiables when dating a new man need to be a daily mantra for me. I return to your two web sites regularly when I feel myself slipping into old destructive habits. It's the proverbial bucket of cold water on my head. "Hello self!, did I actually think it was going to turn out any differently this time with Mr. Emotionally Unavailable?"

I will say that I am NOT looking for a husband at this point in my life, but there is no reason why I can't find a best friend/confidante/lover that won't trample all over my personal boundaries. The mystery and allure (anguish even) of the sexual encounter seems to be at the root of my desire for Mr Unavailble. But I want there to be be REAL love and intimacay.
Thanks for reading this. I would love to read your e-book.

[kari]

I know I have a fear of commitment problem but I just can’t seem to help myself. I go from one Mr. Unavailable to the next.

I am currently pursuing a man who lives over 3,000 miles away, bad enough, right? Worse when we met he basically told me “call me when you’ve lost eighty pounds and maybe I’ll forget how you lied to me about your weight”. Despite that I find myself considering drastic weight loss measures including dangerous surgery to try and please this man. Rather than learning from my mistakes I seem to be looking for men who are even more unavailable. Do I fear commitment, am I delusional or both? Help!

[Lorraine K.]

Well to further add to your already "oh yea moment" blogs, I too experienced a man who was emotionally unavailable. Newly separated from a 13-year marriage myself, my husband entered into deep emotional therapy, counselling and other assorted associations to seek help in trying to get in touch with his feelings. He needed to be out of our matrimonal home in order to seek the help he needed with my feeling very single again. Shortly after our separation I met a man who was also just breaking up with a woman whom he referred to as nothing other than a three year booty-call relationship where she never once in the three years together ever once introduced him to her three children. He felt he had deluded himself, was shunned by this woman. He was terribly rejected and hurt over it. He felt he was nothing more than a closet lover. And prior to this relationship he was in a emotionally abusive 10-year marriage which he claims he asked her to marry him because she was a "challenge"??? Well, by the time he met me, he was damaged goods, un-beknown to me. Emotionally available to this man whom I had known now for afew months, I had developed feelings for this person claiming that his wife of 10 years was never really able to see the person that he truly was, his many positive qualites. And we had many things in common. Similar to the other blogs, the unavailable traits started to seep their way into our so-called relationship. Him not committing to seeing me when he said he would, calling me at the last minute when it suited him in getting together, always using his work as a last resort to why we couldn't get together amongst other numerous renovation projects on the go. He even went as far as telling me he had his children every weekend of which I found out later to be untrue. So for a period there, I never saw him on weekends. Everything else took a higher presidence over me. It became pretty clear what was going on and the issue wasn't with me, other than my unfortunately "putting up with his behaviour". I didn't even find out about his former three-year booty call relationship until four months into seeing one another. For always being a self-confident and strong person as I am, I lost all perspective of the situation, losing myself totally, becoming obcessive about the why's and wherefore's of him not being available to me. One disappointment after another when he finally admitted to our relationship as being fledging! I refused to rescue him. I had already been the rescuer in my marriage not wanting to go down that same path again in this relationship. His inconsistent behaviour eventually caused me to feel "unsafe", "mistrusting" of him. I couldn't be myself as I was at the beginning. Now when I think back, how differently I would handle the situation; how I would draw healthy boundaries for myself. How I would have made my expectations known instead of holding back out of false hope that he would eventually change. When I look back now, for myself being fresh out of a marriage as I was, I felt vulnerable, feeling my sense of aloneness in need of some connectedness. Although we did connect on many levels, he was just simply was not able to be there for me emotionally...too busy with his own bruised and hurt feelings dealing with is own sense of pain and rejected feelings from his three-year booty-call relationship. It was sad and it was an incredibly frustrating, nonsensical time of my life. I was angry, hurt alot of the time (mainly at myself) for putting up with him but like most women, I knew this man had some wonderful qualities trying instead to talk myself into being patient, understanding, offering a safe spot for this person to be with me in a new and more healthy relationship than he had with the former two other women. I came to realize that after alot of reading and research, that he was emotionally unavailable. I learned that because I was able to be emotionally available to him that this was the reason he couldn't be with me. Had I not been there emotionally for him, he would probably be persuing me...in the attempt to win me finding me instead a challenge/interested in me because from what I have learned on the subject, by a woman not being emotionally available to a man, it allows them (the man) in not "having to commit"...they are safe in not having to worry about being in a serious relationship even tho they claim they want to be with a woman; in the real heart of the matter THEY DO NOT. They are not CAPABLE OF BEING EMOTIONALLY AVAILABLE. And it stems from a parent who was not emotionally available to them growing up as a child. Another trait was how most of our communication was done on-line. We communicated more on-line together than over the phone. He seldom called me on the phone and when he did...the conversations were brief with him claiming he didn't like talking over the phone. Instead of thinking of me and my feelings, he was putting his feelings first, not mine! It was all about him. This is another common trait of the "emotionally unavailable man". So for me being open to this man emotionally, he just couldn't go there in his availability to me in return. He even went as far as to admitting numerous occasions that he didn't know why he couldn't go there with me in a more serious relationship. He was unable to put his finger on it. I understood why but he couldn't and to this day still claims he still isn't able to put his finger on it after saying that "I was perfect in so many ways" for him. Ha! So that was the demise of our seeing one another. I am just now starting to rebuild a relationship again with me and who I am as a person getting back my old self but with a new perspective on dating again. For the next man I meet, I will now be more aware of the same signs experienced with this former emotionally unavailable man that I genuinely wanted to get to know. Do yourself a favour, any early signs of his not being emotionally available to you or even in not keeping his promises, or commitments made, weak excuses, last minute changes in plans, anything of this nature, take stock and pay heed -- turn your back and walk away. You are only wasting your time. Be kind to yourself first. Believe in yourself that you are worth alot more than what this man is willing nor able to give of himself to you. Instead be patient reaching for the better quality apples at the top of the apple tree instead of picking up the bruised ones that have fallen to the ground. Meet a man who is able to be emotionally available to you in a healthy and committed relationship where two people are there for one another and in support of one another through thick or thin, because in the end...it takes "two hands to make a clap".
Brooke

[rebecca]

I'm ready to find real love. While we all have issues and imperfections, I'm tired of not seeing the signs of an unavilable man. I believe I am able to spot those signs long before it's too late, but I'm in my thirties and I still can't. They masquerade as people who say they want love. I believe they wait until we like them to show their true colors. I know I've contributed to my bad relationships by doing or not doing certain things, but I keep running into unavailable men, and I'm tired of it.

Rebecca
VA

[MaRY]

I have been married to a man for over 17 years and 3 kids. Through recent therapy, my eyes have been opened to the fact that my husband is totally emotionially unavailable to me and the kids. Instead he would rather be having sexual encounters with women he meets on the internet. Even though he has given me STDs, lost jobs due to these encounters, and is a serial liar, I have made excuses for him over and over. (I can't believe how pathetic this looks in print.)

I tend to feel sorry for him. We met in Europe in the late 80's and he moved to the U.S. (for me?!) He really has no relationships except with me (barely and based on the elapsed time of our marriage) and his 81 year old mother.

I know ultimately that the ending of this relationship is the only thing that will set me free. I am working on myself through therapy (maybe I am afraid of being emotionally available to a man and therefore he is the perfect pick?...) and hope to see a happy ending. Mary

[Sharlotte]

Is this EMOTIONAL UNAVAILABILITY?
I'd been dating a guy on and off for about a year and a half. I've been trying to share the concept of "emotional safety" with him, but it always seems to go nowhere. We initially hit it off very well and share similar values and beliefs. His schedule has made it difficult to spend enough quality time together and led to our breakup--his choice. The part that was difficult, was that he seemed so matter-of-fact about it and said it was only about his schedule and nothing more. He didn't have the stamina to nurture a relationship right now and it wasn't fair to either of us. Note: when we first met he said...I'm ready for a relationship and I don't want to waste mine or anyone's time. Then he ceased any communication completely. I felt very shut-out emotionally. Prior
to that break-up, he had been working 4 ten hour days (weekends) and the other 3 days he spends with his son to avoid day care. Can't be with him then because he doesn't want anyone to meet his son until enough time has passed. I respected that and was willing to work around it. Things worked for awhile, but he seemed to make a lot of excuses for not having time for me--although he would verbalize that if he could, he would see me everyday.

I didn't make big demands at all, we would see each other twice a week and he would call everyday. Then slowly the calls were less and less, plans were cancelled, and the twice a week turned into once every 2 weeks with no explanation unless I pressed for one. There was always some plausible excuse...work hours increased... son needed attention...he was exhausted, etc. I believed him but, it almost seemed that he was "hiding" behind his son and schedule rather than deal with a relationship. I found it very confusing because he would tell me how glad he was that he found me...etc. Just to make sure this wasn't about someone else, I asked if he wanted to see others. He would say "I don't have time to see anyone else"!!

Six months after the breakup, we reunited. He said he wanted new beginnings, promised he'd be able to spend more time with me because of a new job and schedule. I was a bit hesitant and told him I would only get back together if he was serious
about it and if he promised not to shut me out if things got a little challenging. He kept saying he was sorry and realized that "actions speak louder than words" and that he would try harder this time. Things were going well, but I noticed a pattern...after we started to get close, he begins to act really distant and starts
to make sarcastic remarks and little jabs... acting like he is just joking. But they feel like put downs disguised as jokes. It feels like he is pushing me away emotionally. Then he began having problems with his ex. regarding time with his son. He started to back off again, not returning my calls or texts for days, no plans for us on weekends. He would say he was too busy having to gather information, get an attorney, etc. I told him I wanted to be supportive but was having a hard time with being shut out again. He just said that he didn't even have time to take care of himself. He kept the phone calls short, saying he didn't have time for a deep conversation. I tried to explain that when he refuses to communicate, I feel shut out. He also made some negative comments about his ex wife and women in general. When I got upset about that, he didn't want to talk about it anymore and abruptly hung up and shut his phone off. I texted him with how upset I was. He replied with... "I'm sorry that what I said hurt your feelings but I was only expressing an opinion--that wasn't directed at you. I can't be responsible for your feeling insecure." His apology seemed cold--like it was something he was supposed to say, but didn't have any feeling attached to it. Then he said if "I was really trying to be supportive, I wouldn't be bring these things up while he was going through a crises". He said I was being selfish.

This is just one example--he has responded this way in other situations. This is the pattern. He disengages, won't talk about the issue, disappears, then after a week or so goes by, he reconnects and acts like everything is OK without ever discussing it completely. He tells me he missed me, etc. Acts all lovey-dovey and when I don't respond the same, he acts puzzled or says he feels rejected. When I explain my perspective and ask him how he really feels about me, he replies with "what do you think", and "I wouldn't be here if I didn't have feelings". But he never actually verbalizes how he feels. He just says "maybe if you gave this (me) more time, things would work themselves out" and "we got back together so there must be a reason for us to be with each
other" or "don't worry so much, you're being insecure" or
"if it's meant to be it will work out".

The last time I saw him, I told him how I felt he wasn't connecting with me. I reminded him of the times that he did connect and that it meant a lot to me and wished we could do that more often so we could be closer. He made light of it and joked with me, instead
of taking me seriously. Then went into the same..."what do I think...I wouldn't be here if I didn't care" routine. Then he actually said "maybe I should talk to a counselor about it"!!!! I tried to get him to understand the importance of communicating and he replied with "been there done it" and "after you get beat up so much" you don't want to try anymore. ???? End of conversation he didn't want to talk about it further. He said he has had a lot of counseling about his issues and that is just how he is. Any suggestions? Or is something that cannot be resolved and I'm just setting myself up for more pain? I get so confused by him...