Mr Unavailable - A guide to avoiding emotionally, physically and spiritually unavailable men

What's happening on Baggage Reclaim

Over at The Mr Unavailable Guide's sister site Baggage Reclaim, there have been a lot of questions from readers about coping with real life situations with their Mr Unavailable/EUM.

Advice: Why is he having sex with me if he doesn't want me and knows how I feel about him?

"I met a man who is the cousin of a good friend in June of 2007 and have been on an emotional rollercoaster ever since.  I have totally fallen for him to the point of obsessing.
In the beginning, he was so attentive and sweet; shortly after the relationship became sexual, he changed, although he kept on saying the 'right' things; "I'm tired of being a boy toy, I want to be in a commited relationship, I'm tired of being single; I'm tired of 'playing games".

From the outset of us meeting, he mentioned his ex-girlfriend, who also happens to be the mother of his first child.  (He has two children by two different women.)  He told me that he has been single for nine years; that is when he and his ex-girlfriend broke up.  As I got to know him more, I noticed that whenever he would drink (he also has a drinking problem), he would always mention his ex. He says that she kicked him out of the apartment, (he had been cheating on her), and when she broke up with him, she broke his heart and he hasn't been the same since.
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Advice: Does polygamy work, because I love three women?

"I'm a 35 year-old journalist from Brazil and I've been dating a 22 year-old girl for three years now (she was 18 when we met). To make a long story short: after six months of dating, she stopped having sex with me. She says she hates her body (she is a little bit overweight, but I never minded that.) But I sayed with her and was faithful to her for two years, because I loved her.

Then she left me, claiming she was too young when she met me and she had to live and have experiences and so forth. We spent six months apart. During this period I dated two girls, and we hit it off pretty well, but when my ex wrote asking me to take her back, I took her back. I stopped seeing the other two girls and I tried to forget them.

But here's the thing, I can't forget them. After I went back to my girlfriend I realised I was in love with the other two girls - as well as with my girlfriend. I know this sounds ludicrous, like a man who doesn't know what love is, but I know I love the three of them. And the other two girls wrote to me to say they can't forget me, that they want me back.

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Advice: How do I let go of my Mr Unavailable?

Ashley broke away from her Mr Unavailable a few months ago and started to date again, however she has found that she has been really missing him whilst she is on dates and thinking about past relationships where there was "real chemistry, attraction and fun".

Her Mr Unavailable works in the same company, has two kids (16 and 18) and used to tell her that he loved her but that he didn't want to waste her time because he knew that she wanted more than he could give. He was telling her all of this whilst he was still contacting his ex girlfriend and he sent text messages to the ex the week after he broke up with Ashley also claiming that he loved her too.

Recently she went to the bar where she knows he hangs (he tends to hang out in the bar, alone, texting and emailing…) and he was happy to see her. The attraction was still strong between them and for the last half hour they were holding hands.

"I did tell him I missed him. He said "How could you miss me after how I treated you?" I said it was complicated and at the end of the day I clarified that what I missed were the good times. I was hoping that maybe he missed me enough to think that having a healthy, real relationship with me might not be so bad. But - he still is not interested in it.

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Learn from another woman's experience of a Mr Unavailable

My story starts in the summer of 2004. I was 34 and was fresh out of a horribly deceitful eight year marriage. I was reeling with hate, anger and most of all, confusion about the word "love". I met Jason at my place of work. We started having lunch dates which then turned into weekend trips. Things heated up quickly and the next thing I knew, I found myself stuck in the web of Mr Unavailable.

In all honesty, he pursued me but I gladly accepted. I probably wasn't in the best place to get into a relationship but sometimes we don't always have a choice over timing. We spent alot of time together and I found myself thinking that this really could be something. A month and a half later he accepted a job offer across the country. When he accepted, I was upset as I knew this may make the progression of the relationship difficult. I had the tough job of recovering from my marriage and losing Jason. Suddenly, I found myself in a long distance relationship.

What followed in the 23 months may sound fabulous to some, but believe me, if it doesn't come with any emotional value, its worthless. For the first 6 months living across the country from each other (still getting to know one another), he flew me out every chance he could. I took frequent long weekends. Usually this meant flying in to NYC on a Fri evening and flying back to the west coast on Monday. It was exhausting but worth it to me. In the two years we were together, if you added up all the time we spent in the same room, it probably was about 6 months. He flew out to see me, we took trips to Las Vegas, Los Angeles and even Amsterdam.

I felt myself falling for him but there was one thing missing. He NEVER told me how he felt about me. When pressed, he squirmed like a little child trying to get out of eating his peas for dinner. After several months, I told him I loved him. *Silence*. Nothing in return. When his job opportunity fell through, I started to press him about his plans. He took up poker playing for a living which meant he could live pretty much anywhere he wanted. He spent days on end in Atlantic City. I would always get a phone call from him every night if not twice a day. He was loyal in many ways but very uncommitted emotionally. 

As I was slowly healing from my disastrous marriage, I found myself pressuring him even more. Many times I would ask "what are we doing? What is it that you want from me"? I can't explain it but this guy was a master at avoiding questions regarding our relationship. Sometimes he would get down right angry at me and make me feel like the biggest nag in the world. He made me feel horrible about myself. He often was critical of me. He hated that I drank diet coke and thought I wore too much make-up. I am a very self confident, independent, strong woman but like the woman I never thought I was, I took this criticism many times over. Why? Because I thought it was worth it to wait him out, to see if he would change.

Advice: You Don't Need a Man to Tell You That He's Not Interested

"It started 2 years ago, when I started to visit his pub, in Rio de Janeiro - Brazil. We had many interests in common, such as music, beers, movies and I started to be a regular to the pub. When I was absent for some time, he would complain about me not being there or even call me asking what happened. I end up falling in love with him, but didn't have the guts to tell him. 

We started to go out together to concerts, movies, new years eve, and nothing happened. Even stayed a week together in Dublin, and again, nothing happen. But when I tried to convince myself that he only wants to be my friend and I tried to be out of reach so I can heal myself, he starts to call and email me, asking why I've gone.

 

I'm 27 yrs old and he is 39 yrs old, single. Some people say he is gay, others say he is not, that they had already seen him with others. I've tried to tell him 2 times that I like him, but as I was drunk both times, he pretended that it was some "drunk people" chat.

I've already tried to act more than just friends thing, touching him more, wearing sexy clothes when we meet. We traveled together to São Paulo last February to see the U2 concert and he told me he didn't have a place to sleep one night. I was going with a free ticket and accomodation, and told him that he could stay with me on the room. I managed to bring a sexy red nightgown and luckliy, the room only had one double bed and a sofa. He said it would be disturbing to me if he was on the bed with me, so he volunteer to stay on the floor.

 

Another story - I invited him for a boat party, with all food and drinks included. I drank more than usual and had a hangover and threw up everything at the pubs bathroom, where he took me after noticing I was totally drunk. After all this, he offered to drive me home. When  I started to remember all that happened, I decided to vanish forever, and stop meeting him - Stayed 3 months away, without making contact.

 

But for the world cup, I went to his pub to watch the England game. First thing he tells me - Where have you been??? How come you can stay more than 2 months showing up! Your tan looks great (I went to the Brazilian northeast before that).

 

I believe it has all been in my mind, but the sad thing is that he could have noticed my interest in him and tried to help me stop, sometimes I think he likes to be loved by me, as an ego thing."

G, Brazil

Real Life Diary of an Addict: Detox - Week #8

Pochahantas' journey continues in trying to shake her Mr Unavailable, but it seems that even though she took two steps forward, she's taken twenty steps back. It's safe to say that a hardcore detox is neccessary before the self destruct button gets hit....
***
J warned me that this would happen.

I’ve spent the last three nights in his room trying to erase the memories, the bad karma, the negative energy that you…that we left in my room.

My sheets still smell like you, and though the smell generally lulls me, soothing me into a sleep boasting the most pleasant dreams; but now it viciously taunts me, reminding me of what was and can never be.

You and me.  I can’t make myself wash them for fear you’ll really disappear.

You promised you’d be back and that we’d be “together” when you were “together.”

Right.

Real Life Diary of an Addict: Detox - Week #7

Pocahantas continues on her quest to ditch Mr. Unavailable and finds herself going several steps too far down memory lane on her birthday but 'discovering' the truth about her relationship with the consumate Mr Unavailable and having to face the very unpleasant reality. Her Mr Unavailable proves that he really is a dickhead and it looks like Pochantas is finally, truly recognising that she is worth a hell of a lot more than she's given herself credit for. Hopefully....

Real Life: Diary of an Addict Detox Week #6

We catch up again with Pochantas who is going through the excruciating phase of missing someone so bad you want them back but knowing that everything is wrong. Her Mr Unavailable is on her case, bombarding her with calls, messages and even a request for a visit. Pochantas feels so lonely in NYC right now. Can she make it through without giving in to his demands?

I hate missing you. Although I’ve been doing if for quite sometime. Somehow, doing it from a thousand miles away hurts far more. 

Real Life:Diary of an Addict: Detox Week #5

Pocahantas has settled in after leaving behind her Mr Unavailable and moving to NYC to start a new life. This week sees Pocahantas being surprised at how much she has settled into life in New York, but also trying to reconcile herself with missing him and trying to understand why her culture, or lack of it made him cast the stone of judgement...She still misses him though...

Real Life: Diary of an Addict:Detox Week #4

Pocahantas' journey continues as she settles in to her new place in New York but has to deal with speaking to her ex and realising that he is holding her back and her love for him has being the biggest obstacle to her moving forward. Shaking off a Mr Unavailable that thinks he's doing you a big favour by 'loving' you is hard though.....

Real Life: Diary of an Addict:Detox Week #3

The story thus far: Pocahantas finally made the decision to move away from her destructive see-saw relationship and move 1200 miles to get away from the pull of her ex. She has packed all her things, got a new job in New York and is now on her way driving cross country.

I’m actually hyperventilating. Oh God WHY can’t I have a bag anywhere. BREATHE. BREATHE. BREATHE. BREATHE. Hey, it’s getting easier.

Real Life: Diary of An Addict: Detox Week #2

Last week Pocahantas started her real life tale of freeing herself on her addiction to the very prevalent, unavailable man in her life. The first in this series had her choosing between staying in a city which she doesn't like, doesn't feel that there is any future for her, but did have her the man in question residing there, or upping sticks to a better paid job, in the big smoke NYC to start her life afresh with new opportunity. Last week we were left uncertain as to what her choice would be despite her appearing to be resolute about leaving him behind. Did she make the big decision?