Mr Unavailable - A guide to avoiding emotionally, physically and spiritually unavailable men

Breaking Up With and Getting Over a Married Man/Attached Man

*** Thanks for visiting my blog. If you would like to find out more information on emotional unavailability, please go to Baggage Reclaim where the Mr Unavailable Guide has now moved to.***

For a dedicated guide to emotional unavailability check out my ebook Mr Unavailable and The Fallback Girl

When you're The Other Woman, it will often feel like incredible highs and lows, and at some point, you should and probably will become sick of being in the situation and want to end it with the guy. Like any break up though, breaking up is hard to do unless something so awful happens that it galvanises you. There are a hell of a lot of women in this situation that are readers of this site, and the most common issue is how the hell can they move on? Here I hope that I can help to put any woman who is in this situation on the road to healthier happiness. But first, think about this point first?

Is this a half hearted cry for attention from him which you hope will force his hand into making the decision to be with you? If so, be careful as this is probably still unlikely to happen and if it means you end up staying with him, you're wasting your own time. Otherise....

1. Be firm and strong.

Be resolute about your decision and immovable. If you really do want to break up with him and you are sick of the situation, he shouldn't be able to wheedle his way around you. One of the strengths of the guy in this relationship is that he has the power to get around you. This time he can't.

2. Make it about YOU, not HIM.

If you put the focus of the break up on him, he can make excuses that he means at the time but probably don't hold up after the event and he'll make promises that he means at the time but is also unlikely to keep. Yes, you are breaking up because he can't give you what you need, want and deserve, however, you're also breaking up with him because YOU are better than this.

3. Remind yourself that he is throwing you the crumbs of his time and his emotions.

Yes you may be conditioned to think that the crumbs are enough for you, but the reality is that a healthy relationship with a man that is only with you and puts you at the centre of his life, feels far different to the flimsy 'relationship' that you're in now.

Love Clinic: Improve Your Judgment Skills

*** Thanks for visiting my blog. If you would like to find out more information on emotional unavailability, please go to Baggage Reclaim where the Mr Unavailable Guide has now moved to.***

For a dedicated guide to emotional unavailability check out my ebook Mr Unavailable and The Fallback Girl

In the quest to shake your love of emotionally unavailable men, you'll be faced with the question of how good your judgment is in the first place. It's understandable why you will experience this feeling - Discovering that you expend a lot of wasted energy on men that are unavailable and very unlikely to change is a shocking realisation. Realising that you have listened too much, ignored your gut, your intuition, and every other sign possible that this guy was throwing you crumbs is devastating. Wondering how you will ever trust yourself or a guy ever again is not unusual feeling.

We can't give up on love because of willing choices that we have made. Of course we get bruised, hurt and question how much we can trust, but as I said in an article on Baggage Reclaim a few months ago, If we give up on love, we give up on ourselves. Instead we need to love and trust ourselves more and exercise judgment.

Meeting Guys

• When you do meet a guy for the first time, pay attention to his behaviour.
• Is all of his attention focused on you?
• Is he being too forward? Too intense?
• Does he answer questions directly?
• Does he seem nervous when his mobile phone rings?
• How does he give you his details? Is he very specific about when you can call? If he is, this can be a very early indicator of an unavailable man that may be spreading his attention thinly or just reticent about letting you in.
• Does he mention a recent break-up or an ever present ex? Back away right now!

Dating

• You need to be looking for consistent behaviour. A common characteristic of emotionally unavailable men is that they blow hot and cold. They run very hot when in pursuit and once it starts to feel like they are in some sort of relationship or routine, they start to blow cold and luke warm.
• Does he call when he says he'll call?
• Do you only see him at weekends or during the week? Be very wary of routine guys that seem to squeeze you in around their hectic schedule and can only see you on a specific day of the week.
• Does he call late or come around late? Always be wary of any man who seems to behave like a modern day dating vampire.

How To Cope With Being The Other Woman - Don't!

*** Thanks for visiting my blog. If you would like to find out more information on emotional unavailability, please go to Baggage Reclaim where the Mr Unavailable Guide has now moved to.***

For a dedicated guide to emotional unavailability check out my ebook Mr Unavailable and The Fallback Girl

A while back on my sister site Baggage Reclaim, I made suggestions about how to deal with being the other woman. Personally I feel that being with a man who has another woman stashed away somewhere is a recipe for a disaster and should be avoided at all costs. Whilst I made the suggestions below about coping, I do feel that for women who want to truly be in good relationships and avoid emotionally unavailable men, you should ignore my tips and run a mile. I have posted the original post and added the Mr Unavailable perspective to illustrate why things go so wrong for the average woman that desires an emotionally unavailable man. The advice for Mr Unavailable Addicts below are applicable even when there isn't another woman in the frame. And trust me, whatever BS he's filling your head with about his wife or girlfriend he IS emotionally unavailable.

1. Have your escape route planned. If you have any sense of self worth planned, don't be banking on being the other woman forever. Either get the commitment you want and be the starring role instead of the understudy, or get out. Set a time limit and stick to it.

For the Mr Unavailable Addict: The problem with women that love emotionally unavailable men is that there is no escape route planned. It's as if we love being matyrs and sacrificing ourselves for these men who can't even sacrifice a minute of their time. Abort the mission and run a mile.

2. Don't be burning up energy making empty threats. Sometimes an ultimatum is needed to bring things to a head, but if you have no intention of actually following through - you'll look like a dipstick and then he knows that he doesn't actually have to make a decision. An ultimatum is an ultimatum for a reason which means there should only be ONE.

For the Mr Unavailable Addict: We have an issue with boundaries which means that the time limit goes out the window but when we set boundaries, we don't mean it. We are so caught in the vicious cycle of desiring emotionally unavailable men that it seems better to be in pain than be alone. We need to make good on our threats and bail. Fast.

That Nagging Voice

*** Thanks for visiting my blog. If you would like to find out more information on emotional unavailability, please go to Baggage Reclaim where the Mr Unavailable Guide has now moved to.***

For a dedicated guide to emotional unavailability check out my ebook Mr Unavailable and The Fallback Girl

People who have bad love habits often have a nagging voice in the back of their mind that they choose to ignore. Call it Good Cop/Bad Cop, Good Angel/Bad Angel or the Voice of Reason, Insecurity or just your gut - whatever guise this voice takes, you're not listening to it. Now this can be your gut talking or the insecure person, so why do we choose to ignore it?

Like people who choose to ignore the obvious signs that their relationship is crashing and burning, tuning out this frequency of information buys you more time to live the dream and expend more futile energy.

If it's your gut talking it's likely to be logic. Trust me, we know when things aren't right. We feel it in the pit of our stomachs, we're not anywhere near as happy as we pretend to be and there's this bloody voice chiming in sarcastic comments or harsh realities. Like me last year as I bade farewell to a Mr Unavailable after a night spent together 'I'll speak to you in the week' he said smiling. 'OK' I said, but in my mind, what I actually said was 'No you f*cking won't - I'll be lucky if I hear from you in the next two weeks!'

On the flipside though, if we have bad love habits, even when it is good, the voice that can speak up is the voice of insecurity. If you're used to receiving crumbs and somebody is offering you a full meal at the table of love, dessert and all, it can be pretty scary for the uninitiated. As someone who is in a bonafide relationship with a man that she loves and who loves her back and is totally emotionally available, there is a part of me that I need to nurture a bit because I am trained to be messed around by men. I am used to not having to put myself out there in the full sense of a relationship from when I used to be a secret Miss Commitment-Phobe and now that I'm over that, I'm adjusting to the fact that there is this great guy who totally wants to be with me and I'm happy. What's the fricking catch?

The catch is that we actually need to know which voice to listen to. My gut voice chimes in after the insecurity one casts a few doubts and says 'Listen here missy, get a frigging grip! Don't judge a guy on the chumps you've been with before. Got it?'

How to change this? Listen to the voices and assimilate which one is actually giving you the right information. The gut has the potential to guide you - pay attention to how you really feel, how you're really acting and keep both feet very firmly in reality. If you've been shutting out a voice regularly, listen to it and examine the information. If the voice is telling you that he's an asshole because he did XYZ but you keep kicking it to the kerb and rationalising it, start listening. If the voice is telling you that you're not that great a person and surely he's gonna find a flaw in you and run off and be with someone else, kick that one to the kerb and make a conscious effort to find personal happiness and be secure with yourself.

That nagging voice is there for a reason and either way you need to do something about it because only then can you shed the desire for Mr Unavailable's and find real love with the type of man you truly deserve. I've found that a voice of reason is there to balance things out and remind me of where I've been, where I am, and where I'm headed for - it can be there for you too if you start listening to and trusting the real you.

My new eBook Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl is now available to buy as an instant download. Find out more.

Friendship Check - Lose The Enablers

*** Thanks for visiting my blog. If you would like to find out more information on emotional unavailability, please go to Baggage Reclaim where the Mr Unavailable Guide has now moved to.***

For a dedicated guide to emotional unavailability check out my ebook Mr Unavailable and The Fallback Girl

If you're a woman that keeps dating emotionally unavailable men it's likely that there are people in your life who encourage your relationship choices. These are The Enablers - they're people that don't mind giving you bad advice probably because they make crap choices themselves and project their own insecurity about relationships on you. As a result, when you tell them about your relationship woes with the emotionally unavailable man in your life, they empathise and encourage your dubious relationship decisions rather than at least tell you that whilst they love and support you, the Mr Unavailable that has you on the emotional scrapheap is in fact, a dickhead that is unworthy of your time and attention.

Why would someone encourage you to date a man that is clearly unsuitable for you?

They know no better - Sometimes women that love emotionally unavailable men travel in packs hence how the hell are you supposed to ever see the error of your ways? Also sometimes our mothers project their own relationship values which means you're spoonfed the notion that having a man in your life, regardless of the quality of the relationship is all you need.

They find it easier to be your friend when you're down, rather than when you're up - Hate to say it but this is not a great friend. They are 100% there for you when sh*t hits the fan but show up with a guy who is actually worthy of your time and find yourself as the recipient of the cold shoulder. Better for you both to be alone on the sinking ship of Mr Unavailable doom than only one of you...

Projection of their insecurities - You know when people express shock that you're single, not married, bla, bla? This is an example of when people project their fear about relationships. THEY would keel over at the thought of not being part of a couple. THEY fear being single. THEY desire relationships more than they desire a quality relationship. Likewise people who encourage you to date emotionally unavailable men reckon it's better to be with a man that not have one at all.

Kicking The Addiction - Quick Guide

*** Thanks for visiting my blog. If you would like to find out more information on emotional unavailability, please go to Baggage Reclaim where the Mr Unavailable Guide has now moved to.***

For a dedicated guide to emotional unavailability check out my ebook Mr Unavailable and The Fallback Girl

Find and BreakYour Pattern

Whatever your pattern is, home in on it, define it and then make the conscious decision to kick the habit. The biggest help to defining your pattern is sitting down with a paper and pen and writing down the characteristics of your partner. You are bound to find a consistent thread to your relationships that is holding you back. Remember that the only way that you can break the pattern is to define it. Take the time to do the paperwork!

Put Yourself on Lockdown

Don't have sex too soon. It colours the mind and your judgement. The moment that you have sex too soon is the moment that you place yourself in the Justifying Zone, the place we go when we need to justify having sex with him hence we clutch at reasons to stay with them to make it worthwhile. No sex!

Spell Out Your Needs

No need to be a prima donna but you haven't got time to play the guessing game. If he's calling you once a week, tell him it's not acceptable. If he is not making the appropriate effort for the relationship tell him and be straight up, not wishy washy. Which brings me nicely to...

One Strike and You're Out

Until you really have shaken the habit, stick to one strike and you're out. When he does something which clearly shows that he is a Mr Unavailable or is just downright wrong, walk away. Remember that eventually most of the adult population ends up in a relationship so walking away is not the end of life as you know it. The problem with women that love Mr Unavailable's is that we don't know when to walk away.

Letter Writing Time

*** Thanks for visiting my blog. If you would like to find out more information on emotional unavailability, please go to Baggage Reclaim where the Mr Unavailable Guide has now moved to.***

For a dedicated guide to emotional unavailability check out my ebook Mr Unavailable and The Fallback Girl

I don't use pen and paper very much and so when I do, I cramp the hell out of my hands, however I would brave the cramp to cleanse myself of my residual feelings that I have about men from my past. When it comes to women that date Mr Unavailable's, it is clear that we have some areas of personal growth to attend to and all of us have some deeply entrenched values that take us down the misguided path of unavailability. Somewhere along the line we have decided that certain factors about men, namely the things that make them unavailable are really attractive to us and we clearly have issues with self esteem. Even if you don't realise that yet, you should because throwing so much energy into a 'relationship' with a man that is clearly throwing you scraps of his 'affection' shows that a bit of self-love definitely needs to be happening.

The Sex Break

*** Thanks for visiting my blog. If you would like to find out more information on emotional unavailability, please go to Baggage Reclaim where the Mr Unavailable Guide has now moved to.***

For a dedicated guide to emotional unavailability check out my ebook Mr Unavailable and The Fallback Girl

A Sex Break is a half-way house to a Dating Hiatus and obviously, judging by the term, it means abstaining from sex whilst dating for an agreed period. This is great when you can’t do cold turkey, as a self-enforced Sex Break may be able to open your eyes enough to want to go the whole hog and have a dating hiatus or at least change your ways.

The Sex Break means that you either draw out the period of time that elapses before you have sex or just don’t have sex at all and 'just' date. This should enable you to have a clearer head and spot the signs of a Mr Unavailable.

Sex colours your judgement and messes up your ability to see the wood for the trees. It often places you in the justifying zone, the special place that women go to when they have sex too soon with a guy and clutch at reasons to justify not only sleeping with them, but also why they're still expending energy on a guy that isn't living up to the dream.

Sex draws on emotions for a lot (I tend to believe 'most') women. Having sex without emotions is still the domain of men and if you've found yourself expending a lot of energy on a Mr Unavailable, it's likely that the sex has been a lure and convinced you that a connection exists between the two of you, even though it's Dysfunctional Sex that stems from insecurity and other negative emotions brought about by existing in an ambiguous relationship.

Trust me, you separate the flakers from the stickers veeeery quickly! Yes you may feel horny as hell and there may be a little voice telling you that you'll lose this guy if the two of you don't sleep together, but any guy worth his salt won't mind waiting if he actually wants to get to know you and he's actually available. Certainly don't sleep with a guy who clearly is not available as there is nothing to be gained from sleeping with him. Having sex doesn't make a blind bit of difference, it will just make you feel worse.

Obviously be careful of guys that appear to like a challenge and just want to hit it. Guys that are like this will display other unfavourable characteristics that should turn you off them anyway.

If you are not going to abstain from sex and instead draw out the period of time that you have sex, I've given a rough outline. If you've been having sex in 'days', I suggest you multiply it by nine at the very least….

Normal Waiting Time New Waiting Period

Up to One Week 3 Weeks Minimum!

2 Weeks 4 Weeks minimum

3 Weeks  5-6 Weeks minimum

4 Weeks 6-8 Weeks minimum

Use the sixth sense that we all to often ignore – our gut. Not lust, your gut!

My new eBook Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl is now available to buy as an instant download. Find out more.

Dating Tips for The Woman Who's Drawn to Mr Unavailable's

*** Thanks for visiting my blog. If you would like to find out more information on emotional unavailability, please go to Baggage Reclaim where the Mr Unavailable Guide has now moved to.***

For a dedicated guide to emotional unavailability check out my ebook Mr Unavailable and The Fallback Girl

If you're going to continue dating:

• Don’t date anyone who has a girlfriend.
• Don’t spread yourself thin and do multiple dating (multi-tasking by dating several people).
• Don’t date a guy who is dating several people.
• If he isn’t expressing lots of interest and being distant, cut it off (the dating that is). By expression of interest, he should be calling regularly, not being aloof, not only communicating via the occasional text or email. He is not ambiguous.
• Don’t date just for the sake of it. If you only like him a little, say no to the request for a date. None of us are hard up, don’t act like it.
• If you date, keep yourself on lockdown. I would multiply your usual time to have sex for the first time by a minimum of three and stick to it. If you’ve been having sex on week 1, wait till at least week 3 etc. Having sex with a guy puts us in the justifying zone – that funny little place we go to when we have sex with someone and then justify our continuation of the relationship despite the very obvious flaws. Kissing good, other foreplay baaaad! Kissing only people! Also try a Sex Break.
• We all have baggage but look out for a guy that does seem to have drama in the shape of an ex, childs mother, recently broken up etc. If he appears to have issues that are unresolved, step back. Let someone else who doesn’t have a track record of unavailable men deal with him!

Don't make excuses for his unavailibility and don't have shades of grey. For you, unavailable is unavailable. No allowances allowed.

My new eBook Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl is now available to buy as an instant download. Find out more.

Strategy - Dating Hiatus

*** Thanks for visiting my blog. If you would like to find out more information on emotional unavailability, please go to Baggage Reclaim where the Mr Unavailable Guide has now moved to.***

For a dedicated guide to emotional unavailability check out my ebook Mr Unavailable and The Fallback Girl

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, go cold turkey if you feel that you have a consistent bad habit. I recommend a minimum of a month but ideally at least 3 months where you don’t go on any dates and say bye bye to sex. You can only see the impact of engaging with emotionally unavailable men when you are able to view things objectively, which means you should do it from a distance.

A dating hiatus means no online dating, no physical dating, no booty calls, no getting together with exes, and certainly no sex. It's a detox and the aim of the game is to change your habits and heighten your awareness about what is creating your patterns and to also learn how to be less interesting to Mr Unavailable's. Mr Unavailable's get a lot of air time with women who are missing something else in their lives, aren't too keen on being on their own, or have a fear of commitment.

If you can't see why you're doing things and get of sense of clarity or at least numbness to men that aren't available to you, you're never going to break the pattern.

The objective of having a dating hiatus is to give you the ability to return to the dating fold with a different attitude and a renewed vigour for only wanting to engage in relationships with men who are available.

Try new places, decline invitations, but also use this as an opportunity to watch the red flags that you normally miss. If alcohol has influenced your choices, stop drinking for this period. If you're normally driven by horniness, familiarise yourself with a very good sex toy. When men do approach, decline dates. Change your habits. It will feel bad intitally, but that passes.

If you find it difficult to be alone, this is the time to learn how to enjoy your own company. Spend some time with friends, channel your energy into work, find a new hobby, take a vacation, but ultimately do things that take the focus of being in non-relationships. It will be hard at first but when you have got used to your own company and focused your energy elsewhere, you'll find that you not only place a higher value on yourself, but you view unavailable men with clear eyes.

When you do get approached by guys, make a mental note of the situation and surroundings and ask yourself if there is some sort of pattern. If you have a series of exes, whether they're ex boyfriends or conquests that are still in touch with you, pushing for booty calls, ask yourself: why me?

Delete numbers of guys that you no longer see and tell guys that try to slip back into your life that you're not interested. If there is a bar that you've picked up guys in, stop going and find a new haunt that doesn't tempt you. Put yourself on a curfew if you turn into a werewolf after midnight! Avoid enabler's that are like partners in crime and encourage you to slip back into old patterns. If you're keen to get some in-depth understanding, see a counsellor or shrink for some independent advice. Reconnect with yourself.

My new eBook Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl is now available to buy as an instant download. Find out more.