Our troubles with unavailable men (Mr Unavailable’s) is a popular topic of
discussion but it occurred to me recently that whilst these emotionally,
spiritually or unavailable men are a very real issue, the female behaviour needs
to be inspected a little more closely under the microscope.
I’m loathe to believe that there are a lot of thick women out there that
are gluttons for punishment and just love to keep going for the unavailable, and
I do believe there is a very real probability that the men are unavailable and
the women have commitment issues.
If we continue to forge relationships with men that only give us a hint of
what they could ‘potentially’ deliver and then we ultimately end up being let
down and unfulfilled, it is all a self-fulfilling prophecy because we are not
putting ourselves into the zone of being with a man who could even begin to give
us what we want.
Do we actually know what we want? I’m not so sure.
We think we know what we want, we say we know what we want, yet we do a
very different thing and ultimately actions speak louder than words. I think
that most of us, whether we are male or female are conditioned to a certain
extent to pursue a union of two people that is supposed to result in a committed
relationship, possibly marriage, possibly some kids and the happily ever after
(cough, cough), however thinking about it, discussing it and expecting it are
very different things to living it.
There are a lot of women out there that are unhappily single, yet the type
of guy that they will ultimately chase after and have a relationship of sorts
with, is a man that can’t find it within himself to be available to her. His
version of available is calling her when it suits, treating her like a booty
call, running hot and cold, being elusive, and telling her that if the situation
were different he’d be with her in a shot. Her version of availability is that
he should want to be with her as much as possible, she should be the only woman,
not one of many, he sees a future with her, they socialise together and the
relationship is legitimate and out in the open because he is sure of his
feelings for her and can’t bear to be without her.
If this is what the woman wants, why is she with a Mr
Unavailable?
I think it’s time to explore the possibility, that somewhere deep down
inside, women like this are afraid of commitment. There is something that holds
this woman back, ebbs into her subconscious and allows her to place herself with
people and in situations that do not lead to commitment. When it all goes wrong,
these women get to be upset, be miserable and nod their heads in a sure-fire
agreement that men are a pain in the arse, unavailable and that they’ll never
find happiness. It gives them permission to be right and they don’t ever have to
properly address the reason why they aren’t getting commitment and how they
could ultimately end up alone, or attached and unhappy. Because remember ladies,
just because you ‘have’ the guy, it doesn’t make you committed. You could be
just as miserable as you would be if you were single! Making a semblance of
commitment with a guy who doesn’t seem to know his arse from his elbow with your
relationship is a one sided thing and a guaranteed trip to Misery
City.
Committing to someone in the true sense of commitment is a very scary
thought for most people, but plenty of people do it, despite all the tales of
divorce and heartbreak. Giving yourself entirely to someone and trusting them
with your heart, your feelings and essentially your life is a bloody scary
thing! If we have witnessed examples of it all going tits up with someone close
to us, say at a very young age, or even took the risk once of letting it all
hang out only for it to end in tears, something internally in the back of the
mind, or for some people at the forefront of their mind, decides that they
should protect themselves from these situations. Like damage control.
The fact of the matter is that if a woman met a guy that was half way
decent, that truly cared about her and wanted to have a proper relationship with
her, that would scupper that secret fear of commitment because she’d have to
make the effort and put herself at risk. An unavailable guy (even if he is
decent) removes that fear because ultimately, deep down we all know the way the
story goes. I’ve said it many times: If a guy doesn’t want to be unavailable, he
won’t be. You can try everything in your power to change him, but if he doesn’t
want to, he won’t. Often when it’s all over with you, he meets someone within a
few months and next thing you know you’re hearing about the marriage
notice….
I wonder sometimes do unavailable guys recognise something in the women
that are attracted to them which gives them a sure sign that they can be however
they want to be. I’ve been asked whether we’re giving off a scent, are we saying
something in particular, do we have a certain look?
No, but the very act of giving them your time and energy lets them know
that they can be unavailable with you because they know that if you’re willing
to play ball with them, you can’t really want to be committed anyway.
And in case anyone is in doubt, this doesn’t absolve these unavailable guys
of their responsibility, but we are the only long standing cast member in the
soap opera that is our life, which means we have to look a little closer to home
first, and we may start to make some real progress. We can’t change them, but we
can change our attitude.
